1 Month

In less than one month from today, I'll be embarking on a new...era...of my life.  Or I'll just be entering a new era, a new decade.  And you know what.  I.am.not.looking.forward.to.it.  At all!  I don't want to be 30.  I'll stay 29 forever thankyouverymuch!

I know that I've done things to be proud of thus far in my life.  But I don't feel...accomplished.  I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be in my life.  I feel kinda lost in limbo.  10 years ago, if you asked me where I'd think I'd be by the time I was 30 this is what I would have told you:  I'd be married.  I'd be a mother.  I'd be a stay at home mom unless I absolutely had to be working.  I'd be involved.  I'd be a friend to all.  I'd have dinner made every night.  I'd have traveled to Europe.  I'd be in love with my soul mate.  I'd have it all, while having nothing at all.

So let's compare that to what's actually happened...  No married, with no prospects in sight.  Not a mother, unless you consider my dog my daughter.  Definitely not a stay at home mom, absolutely have to work to survive.  Not involved.  I feel like I'm a friend to all, but all aren't necessarily a friend in return (maybe another post about that later).  Haha, does a bowl of cereal or going to my parent's count as "dinner made everynight"?  Have yet to go to Europe, but I have my passport ready on standby.  Don't know who my soul mate is to be in love with him, but I am in love with my eternal soul mate (God).  If having it all means having the list above, then I don't have it.  And I'm going to throw this in for good measure, I'm not the 36-24-36 bombshell that I though I'd be either.

See?.  There.  Do you see why I'm not ready to move into the 30's?  I don't want to feel like I'm failing more and more as I get further into life.  And yes, I do realize that some of those things are beyond my control, therefore I can't say I'm failing.  But I feel I have.  And it's a feeling I can't get rid of.

So there.  I'm turning 30.  I'm not excited.  And being as I'm not excited, I haven't jumped on the "I'll plan my own birthday party" bandwagon yet (plus, maybe because I don't want to be the one to plan it, bygolly I want to enjoy it).  But people keep asking.  So maybe this will be my party:  Show up, everyone bring me a bottle of wine, watch me drink it...all, eat cake, leave.

Maybe I'll even share some wine.

Forgive me while I go mope in a corner some more.

The Dreaded Month

I'm not a negative person.  I strive to be positive, to not be a "negative nelly".  To see the glass half full not half empty.  Negativity gets you no where in life, so why not just be positive?  That's my thought.

Except for the month of February.  February is the month that I like the least.  Is it ok to have a least favorite month out of the year?

I dislike February.  I detest February.  I hate February.  I loathe February.  I..., well, you get the picture.  And do you know why?

Because February is full of hearts and mushy lovey-dovey junk.  Stuff that brings awareness to all single people out there that says, "Yes, you ARE alone.  You don't have someone to share hearts and mushy lovey-dovey stuff with.  You are, once again, dateless, flowerless, stuffed animalless, chocolateless (although my thighs are thankful for that), and loveless."

I know "loveless" maybe be a bit extreme, you know what I mean though.  I know that there are people that love me.  I have a wonderful family and great friends and love and appreciate me.  I know that the God of Love loves and cherishes me.  I know that I'm supposed to show love, because that's the greatest commandment of all, love one another as Christ loves me. (John 13:34) 

But I can't help but wonder, when is the God of Love going to send the emotional, physical, spiritual love that I so long and desire?  When will I get to rejoice for the month of February instead of want to hide in a corner? 

Now, for the next 24 days, I have to try to put on a happy face and make it through the month.  Which is hard, because this negative attitude affects just about every aspect of my life.  Work, at home, with friends, etc.

Alright, that's enough outta me!  Stepping off my little soap box and moving on with my day now.  The sooner the day is over the sooner the next day comes the sooner the month is over!

Help the Helpless

I don't know about you, but I feel helpless.  Helpless that I sit in my posh little world, in the middle of posh California, on the far west of the posh United States.  Helpless about the complete tragedy that shook (sorry, bad pun...) through Haiti a week ago. 

I've felt earthquakes.  Minor ones, aftershocks mostly.  In fact, just a week and a half ago I "saw" the results of the earthquake off the coast of northern California in my parent's pool, it was sloshing back and forth.  And I remember the big quake of 1989 that shook up San Francisco.  But I don't remember feeling much of anything about it back then though.

But now, my heart aches.  It aches for the Haitians.  To me, no amount of money will fix what's happened.  Sure, it will help with medical supplies (which are much needed), and it may help in the rebuilding efforts of their capitol city and fix their infrastructure.  But it doesn't fix the devastating loss they experienced. 

And all I can do is sit here and think of how I can help.  How one single person can impact their lives.  Truth is I can't.  No amount of money donated will seem like enough.  Honestly, the only way that I could maybe feel like I'm doing something, anything is to be there.  To help in the efforts to lift their spirits and rebuild their city and homes.  That's a ways away though.  Maybe, when volunteer groups (people without a "speciality") go over I'll be one of them. 

But I know that there is prayer.  I can pray.  And God can do a mighty thing through prayer.  He has before and He will again. 

So this is what I ask.  If you can, give.  There are tons of organizations out there that are taking donations specifically for Haiti relief.  Just think of the impact we would make, if you and everyone you know gave $5 and everyone they know gave $5, and so on and so forth.  There are tons of other places you can give:  Red Cross, Doctors Without Borders, and World Vision to name a few.  Me? I gave to Compassion International. Why that organization you ask? Well, because I sponsor a child through them. Because they are actioning in response to the Great Commission, because they are advocates for children, "to release them from their spiritual, economic, social and physical poverty", because they are teaching the young about God and Jesus and how to follow them.

If you can't give, then pray.  Pray for peace among the nation, pray for healing, pray for those that are working around the clock searching for those that are trapped, there are a million and one things you can pray for for Haiti.

This is the point where I wish I knew the Bible well enough to reference a verse.  But I don't.  I know there there are plenty in there that are applicable.  Just pick it up and read any of it.

Ok, I'm getting off my little soap box now.

Should I feel bad?

I'm leaning towards no. Actually, no, I don't feel bad.

Why do I not feel bad do you ask? Well let me tell you.

A little over a month ago my long, long time ago ex found me on facebook and requested to be my friend. Fine, whatever, I can do that. Then he wanted to chat, which kept cutting out so he asked me to text and we'd catch up. Fine, whatever. I figured a few formalities and we'd be done and not "talk" for another 5 years.

Well, he apparently is lonely (and rightfully so being as he was in a really bad accident while on the job and is not paralyzed) and started bugging me to stop by his parent's house to see him. I'm not so comfortable with this, for obvious reasons.

It got to be that he would text me every couple days. I was always courteous and would reply back. And just about in every conversation he was bring up me stopping by.

Finally I couldn't take it any more and I flat out asked why he wants me to visit so bad. (Pretty much because we haven't seen each other in at least 6 years, so why now?) He responded with "nevermind." No, I wasn't let that happen, so I pushed it. Why do you want me to visit so bad? His response, "I've made a life for the past 6 years 2 hours away and it would be nice to see a friendly face 15 minutes away. "

Ok, I am a friendly face, I'll give him that. But why would he think that I'd just drop things to visit him. I told him that I'm honestly busy and am hardly home myself, that I always have something going on. His response, "Even when I worked 70 hour weeks I still made time for people." Yes, you know, that's true, even when I'm busy I'll make time for people. But these people that I make time for are my friends, people who have known me for years and who lift me up.

So that conversation was a few weeks ago. And I haven't heard from him since. And do I feel bad about that? No.

I can't worry about being cold hearted because I didn't visit an ex boyfriend of mine that years ago broke my heart and now happens to now be paralyzed. I can't add that to my list of things to worry about. I've forgiven. I forgave years ago. But that doesn't mean that I've forgotten. And it doesn't mean that I've forgotten to the point to being chummy with him.

Can you see where I'm coming from?

May She Rest...

Izzie Boo

December 14, 2006 - February 20, 2009

After an extremely short battle with pneumonia, Izzie Boo left this earth to play fetch with her Eternal Father. Izzie was survived by her mother, Riley, her brother, Monty, and her "daddy", Skippy; as well as her human people: mother Courtney, grandparents Allyson and Ed, and aunts and uncle Chris, Paige, and Kaitlin. We will forever miss endless hours of throwing the ball for our dear beloved pet, as well as her (not so gentle) love and affection. Izzie's youthful, playful spirit will greatly be missed.

May you run your heart out in heaven.

Missy Pissy

People, I don't know what my deal is. But right now, for the last couple hours, I have been in the most foul mood. I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at Dennis. I'm mad at my parents. I'm mad that neither of my sisters are available to chat. I'm mad at work. I'm mad that I have to make stupid brownies for someone's birthday at work for tomorrow. They're from a stinkin' box and they aren't even coming out good, even with PAM. I'm mad at airplane ticket costs. I'm mad at myself. And I don't know why.

Maybe it's hormones, but those normally kick in before that time.

All I know is that the only thing that I can really be angry at is the cost of airplane tickets, everything else is just me blowing things out of proportion. Sure, maybe it's legitimate for me to be upset or disappointed, but there is no reason for me to be mad.

All I know is this, I'm in a bad mood. I've got a bad attitude right now. And I feel like I'm being spiritually attacked. Satan knows my weaknesses, and he knows how to use them to his advantage. Please, pray for me. Pray for my spirit to be calmed and that all negativity will just leave me.

Satan I rebuke you! Leave me alone! Father fill me with your spirit.

Words to Live By: Love

love, noun.

1. a strong affection for another
2. a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3. an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
4. Biblical: the passion of God for human beings
5. Personal: your obedience to God's commandments toward others.

God is love.
-1 John 4:8

Whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him.
-1 John 2:5

Where love is, there is God also.
-Leo Tolstoy

Whoso loves believes the impossible.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

What is love to you? Is it feeling? Or is it an action? The idea of love is one of the greatest themes of Christianity. Christians are told that God is love, that love is what put Jesus on the cross, and that believers are supposed to love their neighbors as themselves. This call to love often means instant guilt for those who take it seriously. The truth is, people pressure themselves too much. And they misunderstand Scripture.

As the Bible presents it, love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment to a course of action that may result in feelings, but isn't dependent on feelings. The kind of love God calls his people to isn't primarily a matter of feeling a certain way toward others, it is a matter of treating people as God commands. God doesn't tell you that you are responsible for producing feelings towards people. God tells you that his love flows through your biblical actions towards others.

Feelings change; they aren't stable, and they usually don't last. Feelings will come, but they follow obedience. You become loving by doing loving things. You become forgiving by forgiving, not by having feelings of forgiveness. You act patiently and a supernatural patience enters your life. Love is the same way. Action first, feeling second.

So here's something for you to think about. If you had a choice between having all your friends "feel good" about you but with the knowledge that their feelings could change, or having all your friends obey Scripture in their treatment of you regardless of their feelings, which would you choose? Probably the latter, right. It would mean that your friends would always forgive you, always encourage you, always be generous with you, and, even if they should come one day to view you as an enemy, they would have to bless you because Scripture commands that you bless your enemies.

God, let your love run its full course in me. Grand me the grace to act lovingly without requiring the feelings of love first. I yearn to love as you love and so complete your work on earth.
-Amen

I challenge you, begin treating people in your life according to Scripture regardless of feelings. The Bible says that an approach like this will allow love to "run its full course." This is important, for, as Paul says, "Nothing matters except faith working by love."

Words to live by, Bethany House 2004

When you can't say a word...

I have a best friend. I love my best friend. But she won't talk about Dennis. She won't listen to me talk about him. She won't ask questions about him. She's totally against talking about him. Maybe she does it on purpose, maybe she doesn't.

You see the thing is, Dennis lives in Alaska. I know, you already knew that. But the fact that he lives in Alaska is something that she doesn't like because it means that if things progress further, and dare I say the "m" word, it means that I will be moving to Alaska. And she doesn't like that.

She doesn't want me to move. She wants me to stay in California near my family and friends. And I would like to too, but at this point in Dennis' life he needs to be in Alaska with his kids. And I totally understand and respect that. And I'm willing to go where he is.

But she just sees him as the one that will be stealing her best friend away. She's totally blinded. Blinded by the one fact. He could be prince charming and the perfect man, but he wouldn't be to her.

I just want her to share my joy and be happy for me. Is that so much to ask?

Table for One

The fact of life is that as you grow older you grow up. Growing older is inevitable, it’s gonna happen. But is growing up inevitable? Of course it is. And at some point being single becomes overwhelmingly obvious.

Maybe it's the fact that all your friends start getting married, and then they start a family. And then, all of your once single friends start doing "coupley things" with other coupley friends. Dinner, movies, outings. I admit, there were times in college that I would go to the movies by myself, mainly because I was generally the only one that wanted to see a certain movie or because I was bored and needed to get out. But as I get older going out and doing things by myself becomes painful. I feel like I have a giant arrow above my head, pointing down at me saying "She's single".

It's especially hard and, well, embarrassing when your own family starts to get on your case about being single, not dating, etc. What can I say? The "right one" just hasn't come around yet. But for crying out loud, back off! What happened to waiting on God's timing? Grandkids will come, I just can't promise that I'll be the first one in the family to have them. And what about when your friends offer to help set you up, but they never do. Good intentions I suppose.

But you know it's bad when your own mother's hairdresser even wants to set you up with someone. What's up with that? And you know it's really bad when people within your place of employment want to set you up with another employee. And since the "setter-upper" doesn't know you that well, he talks to your father about it one weekend when both are working. WOW! But since someone else had mentioned that same person to me, I told her. She's gonna see what she can do. ;)

Don't get me wrong. Set me up all you want. But don't expect "magic" to happen unless it's in God's plan for my life. I'll go on dates. I'll enjoy the company of someone of the opposite sex. And I'll go in with an open mind. There's not harm in that.

But for now, I'm happy. I'm happy with myself and who I am. I'm content. And that someone special in my life not being around isn't going to hinder my happiness. Sure, I get sad about it every now and then; but then I snap out of it, realize things in my life are as they should, and am back to happy. But don't get me wrong, I will be estatic when I someday have my soul mate in my life. Until then, I'll continue to be happy.

And feel free to continue setting me up. I'll consider it weeding and practice.

I Loathe February!

Since today is the day that causes the whole month to be poopy, today is the day that I'll let y'all know why I loathe it so much.

I loathe February...
...because I don't have a Valentine. There I said it, I'm Valentine less. I don't have that special someone to share the day with, or the month with. That said...

I loathe February...
...because it's a poor excuse for boyfriends/fiances/husbands to feel the need to treat their lady to a romantic evening. Why? Why should February 14th be so special? Why not September 17? Why did "society" (aka Hallmark) dub the 14th as the day of romance? I'm sure it goes back to some Greek mythical character. But what's wrong with flowers and a dinner out any other day of the year? Darn commercialism! I bet that Valentine's Day was to help fight the post Christmas woo's with shops having bad sales the first couple months of the year. Yea, that's what it is!

I loathe February...
...and all of the romantic-sappy-made-for-TV-movies that it brings with it. Of course, on a typical Friday evening in February, you'll find me plopped on the couch watching those darn addicting movies. Who doesn't love a cute love story?

I loathe February...
...and all of those red roses that come with it. I just not a red rose kinda gal. I want flowers on my birthday, anniversary, and every other day of the year, just because.

I loathe February...
...because I feel like it's rubbed in that I have no one but myself.

But...
...I do like February because it's my month my sister Kaitlin celebrates her birth.

And...
...I do like February and all the chocolate brings with it. The 14th is the day of calorie free chocolate, right? Now if only the scale would get that memo.

Living in another County

Have you ever felt that living in another county feels like living in another country? Well, let me tell you, it kinda sucks. I live 5 minues from the county line and a whole ten minutes from where friends live, but yet no one is ever willing to travel the distance to another county to visit me. Funny how that is.

Maybe it'll be different when I'm not living with the parents and am all moved into the house. But if no one is willing now, how is it going to be any different later? Hummm....

But then again, maybe it's just me. Apparently there are better reasons to travel 45 minutes north to another county to visit a friend and not a whole 10 minutes south to visit me.

This has caused great frustration and hurt for me lately. And even though I'm in town (in the other county) daily, I'm less apt to stop by to say hi at people's homes that I normally would.

Nobody Wants to be Lonely

I've been feeling really lonely lately. Not totally sure why. That's a lie, I do know why. Maybe because I don't feel like I have someone that I can call anytime for whatever reason, or someone who will hang out with (doing something or nothing at all), or someone that I can talk to about anything. The person that has been that to me for forever just got married and they do a lot with other couples, which I am not part of one. Plus, I don't want to be disruptive to the new marriage. Another person that was that for me decided that I apparently not worthy of being her friend. I miss that friendship. And other people are all busy with new additions to their family, new group of friends that they hang out with, etc. So, it's just me, hanging out with my sister (love her!) and my doggies (lap warmers).

I know that as I get in this "nobody likes me everybody hates me guess I'll eat some worms" phase I tend to separate and alienate myself from people. I don't call, I don't drop by, I don't e-mail, I just disappear. Sad thing is, I don't see people truly searching for me when I disappear. Wow, really gives a reality check and shows me how valued I am.

I'm lonely because I'm lonely. I want a happily ever after, actually I'm not ready for the ever after part. I want the happily. I don't need the fairy tale romance. But I do want a prince charming. I want to be with someone, a significant other if you will. I want to find my soul mate, go through all the courting and dating, and then the engagement, and then the beginning starts with the ever after. But mainly I want the companionship that comes with it. But where do I start? Here in lies the problem. I become a hermit in my disappeared state and find "him" how?

That's it. That's me whining. That's me expressing myself and how I feel.

A look in the mirror

Today's sermon at church was a bit convicting, eye-opening, and slightly hurtful. As a fill-in for Pastor Ken, Mike Iltis spoke about honor and respect in relationships. Many Bible verses were presented that show that even God wants us to honor those around us. But, how can I honor those around me when I, myself, don't feel worthy of honor? When I don't feel that no one holds respect towards me? Yes, I know that regardless I should always do as God commands, but it's hard. Especially when I don't feel honored.

I just am having a hard time respecting myself right now. Not because of things I'm doing, but for things that I'm not doing.

So please, if you appreciate me, respect me, honor me in any way. Please let me know in some way. I just want to know that I am worthy of honor and respect, and not feel like a bum.

Wow!

I'm in the midst of reading a book. Yea, I know, I'm trying to get back in the habit of taking time to read and not goof off on the internet. The book I'm currently reading is called Alphabet Weekends by Elizabeth Noble. I read this section and thought, wow, this is exactly how I'm feeling. So I thought I'd share it. It's part of a conversation being held between Natalie and her dad...

"I feel like a failure, Dad. No one wants me."
Nicholas's chest hurt. "That's not true, my love."
"I know what you're going to say, Dad, because you've said it before. It's his loss, he's the fool, I'm beautiful and lovely, and some lucky guy out there is waiting to make me happy. I've heard it before. I believed it before. I just don't believe it any more."

Yep, that's me in a nut shell. Except there is no "his loss, he's the fool."

I want a happy ending. I want the "some lucky guy out there". I want to be romanced and loved. I want to be a wife and a mother. Sure, tell me I'm still young, there's plenty of time. I say phewy on you. No one has shown interest in me in years. I haven't been on a date in years. I haven't been kissed or kissed a guy in years.

Is it bad for me to want that?

Words to Live By: Pride

pride, noun
1. inordinate self-esteem.
2. ostentatious display.
3. pleasure in one's accomplishments.
4. Biblical: being puffed up with self.
5. Personal: the ungodly version of self-confidence.

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
-1 Peter 5:5

Pride and grace dwelt never in one place.
-James Kelly

The Greek word for pride means to be "puffed up"; in other words, pride makes people think themselves large when there actually isn't anything there. Image a frog that is able to bloat himself to more than twice his size; he looks big, but there isn't anything to his increased size but air. The negative version of pride is what results when someone thinks more highly of himself than he ought. He is confident, but only in his own strength. He thinks himself superior, but without really having cause. This kind of pride leads to a fall, to sin, and to destruction.

This kind of pride is what moved Lucifer to exalt himself against God and lead the angels to rebel. It moved Adam and Eve to aspire to be gods themselves rather than honor the God who made them. It made Nimrod build Babel, Pharaoh persecute the Jews of Egypt, and even some of Jesus' disciples. This kind of pride is a lie, a deception. Proud people are easily hurt, easily offended, and easily angered; proud people can't invest themselves in what they are made to be because they are always concerned with how they appear and whether they are honored in the eyes of others.

Worst of all, false pride keeps people from living in the good kind of pride. Surprise, there is a good kind of pride, and it is quite clear in Scripture. The New Testament uses the word pride in a positive manner more than half a dozen times; God tells believers that they should test their actions so they can take pride in themselves. The good kind of pride is what the false kind drives out. Good pride is a kind of confidence, a sense of accomplishment and completion; it is both an attitude and a way of living that draws from a good history in God. It is what the godly feel when they look at their lives, see the hand of God active in their affairs, and know they are fulfilling the will of God. Righteous pride is a confidence in God and his promises; righteous pride is knowing who you are in God; righteous pride is a sense of well-being that comes from godly achievement. False pride is assuming a spirituality that isn't really there; false pride draws arrogantly from things, images, and fantasies.

Take stock of your own life for a moment. How has false pride puffed you up or distorted your view of yourself? Then again, where have you been resisting a godly form of pride in the assumption that it is unrighteous? Repent of the false, welcome the good, and let the confident humility of righteous pride invade your life.

I don't feel that I am a proud arrogant person. But I do have a problem with stubborn pride. I have a problem with knowing when to put my proud self aside and give my problems to God. I want to keep them and deal with them or take care of them myself. I end up letting them harden my heart instead of soften it. Why? I don't know. I'm stubborn. I don't know when to call mercy, to say uncle. But am I a confident proud person? No, I don't think so, I think quite the opposite, not very confident at all. But how do I relinquish my problems and not hold on to them? How do I release things and give God control?

I've become more aware of my proud, stubborn, hording problem lately. God has really been revealing things to me that I need to work on. Pride, forgiveness, grace and mercy. But I don't know how.

God, I want to be proud of you, proud of your people, and proud of my history in your ways. I don't want to artificially puff myself up and miss your grace. Help me, God, and give me the right kind of confidence in you.
-Amen

Words to Live By: Forgiveness

for-give-ness, noun:
1. the act of pardoning, of overlooking an offense
2. the act of sending away a wrong or rejecting it
3. the state of being free from penalty
4. Biblical: the act of remitting sin
5. Personal: the compassion that erases the heart's memory of wrongs suffered.

If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
-Matthew 6:14-15

May I tell you why it seems to me a good thing for us to remember wrong that has been done us? That we may forgive it.
-Charles Dickens

Have you ever heard the term "technical forgiveness"? It's when you forgive the will and the mind, but your heart holds the offense and still demands its due. I've got news for you, it's not good enough for God. The New Testament has two main words for forgiveness, aphiemi "to send away", and apoluo "to release someone" or "to set someone free". When you hold someone in unforgiveness, it is as if you have put that person in prison. And until you forgive that person, he/she cannot be set free. Funny thing is, that person may not even know that you've put them in their own little prison. But the thing is, when yu hold anyone in prison, you are in prison as well.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
-Ephesians 4:32

Tonight has been very trying on my heart. I saw two people that I never thought I'd see again, and quite honestly would be perfectly fine never seeing again.

As silly now as it seems for what one person did to me a year ago, I was really hurt and bothered by it. But in my mind I had forgiven him sometime ago. You forgive because it's the right thing to do, right? And although I'd "forgiven" him, I cared to never have to be in the same room as him again. But tonight I arrived at a friend's house for dinner, before heading out for an activity, and low and behold there was this person on their couch. Nice, no warning, not! It's been a year, I can handle it. My thought was, I'll just ignore and pretend he's not here. That would work, except for the fact that he's entirely too funny to not ignore. I'd be the idiot not laughing at the funny guy because I was ignoring him. So that plan didn't work. As the evening went on things were going fine. Granted, we weren't actually talking one on one with each other, but we could be in the same conversation and play a game together. But we had kind of a mutual, unspoken understanding that things were cool. Phew! Made it over that hurdle...

And then another one came. Someone, who was a close very good friend, arrived. This someone that basically walked out of our group of friends with no explanation showed up. She came because she has recently been talking with a mutual friend. And once again, a warning would have been really nice. Completely out of the blue, I was walking into the living room from the kitchen and she was walking into the living room from the front door. I stopped, dead in my track, shocked really. And I'm sure she saw the shock on my face. I thought I'd never see her again, I think a lot of us thought that. But we said a quick uncomfortable hello was spoken and that was about it there. And it stayed uncomfortable the rest of the time. Quite honestly, I didn't want to be in the same room/area as her because I was (and still am) so hurt for how she abruptly ended our friendship. I just wanted to grab my keys and leave. But I couldn't, I knew I couldn't. What kind of message would that have sent? I stayed, I busied myself in the kitchen, I avoided.

But it was hard. This person was a best friend. How can I forgive someone for walking away? Not only walking away, but not giving any reason or even a goodbye. I was torn. I wanted to be mad. And I am mad. I'm mad that I wasn't given a warning. I'm mad that things are so strained. I'm mad that I have no idea what I did to piss her off. I'm mad that she never came to me to talk things out. I'm mad at myself for being so stubborn and I didn't chase my friend. I'm mad that people were so excited to see her after she disappeared 5 months ago. How can they forgive her so quickly, and I'm holding on so hard? I'm mad that I can't randomly call her up or send her a text message. And I'm mad because I want our friendship to be back to how it was before, but I don't know if I can ever trust her like I did.

My heart needs healing. And I need to be able to forgive, let go, and give it to God. I need to forgive her for the things that I'm upset about. But I also need to seek forgiveness for what I did or didn't do. But I horde, oh how I horde. And I bottle. I'm a good bottler of my feelings. All my feelings are safe in that bottle.

God, forgive me for the unforgiveness in my life. Help me to find compassion for the weakness of those people who have wronged me, and give me the grace to forgive them from my heart.
-Amen

One down

Today was one of two memorial services for my Nana. Since she was a resident of Covenant Village, we had a small service for so her friends and nurses could attend. So I took an early lunch so I could go.

When I got there, just minutes before the service was to start, I was harassed by a little old lady (L.O.L.) for parking in a resident's spot. She said that I couldn't park there and had to go to the guest parking area. In all the times visiting my Nana, I'd never had to park in the guest parking. There were always spare spots open by her building. And of course, guest parking it on the opposite property of where I needed to be. I explained that I was in a hurry, my Nana's memorial service was starting and I was going to be late. She said, in a nasty uncompassionate way, well, you'll need to park over there (pointing), in guest parking. So fine, I'll move. Little did she know I just moved to another resident's spot in a different lot. And she proceeded to try to get the key to her car in the unlocker, with her nose inches from the door. Yes, she was going to drive away, barely able to see where to put the key to unlock the door. So that put me in a mood, and I cried throughout the service that I was late to. Thanks L.O.L.!

It was a very nice service. Dad talked about my Nana's life. Some shared stories of their time with Nana. The Chaplain read Psalm 23. And then I had to go back to work and finish the day.

Service #2 will be in December. Family will be invited, as well as our Hilmar family/community. No L.O.L.s will be telling me where to park at that service!

Things that make you go Hummmmm...

Have you ever wondered what you've done wrong? In your life? With your family? Towards your friends? You may not know that you've done something wrong, but you just get the feeling. Maybe it's a gut feeling. Maybe it's observation of how others act towards you. Maybe it's because people just disappear from your life without an explaination. Maybe you just know without knowing. Hummmm....

I know I've done things wrong in my life. And those are consequences that I've dealt with or had to live with. But it's the wrongs that I don't know I do that make me wonder.

I, for the most part, do not do things wrong on purpose. There are the few times that I do. If I did, and I realized later that I had, I'll apologize. I'll fess up. I'll apologize even if someone took what I did, even if it's not wrong, the wrong way and they come to me about it. I just don't like it when people have ill feelings towards me. I'm too much of a people pleaser. But, if I don't know what I did and I'm not called on it, then I don't know about it, wrong or not. And quite frankly, I won't feel there is a reason to apologize.

So, if you're out there, and you feel I've wronged you but you won't come to me, then I'm sorry that you don't feel that you can't come to me about it. But, without know what I've done, I'm not sorry. I work things out with people. And I'll be honest. But until then, I don't know what to tell you.

Warning

I have a confession to make. I haven't been truthful in my blogs. I don't mean that I've been lying or saying things that are false. I mean that I've been hiding feelings. I've been caution when posting blogs. You know, stick to things that won't offend people, won't step on toes, won't hurt feelings, safe areas. Well, guess what. I'm tired of skirting, avoiding, and fearing. It's time to be candid and let it loose. This is my blog, my diary, my journal if you will. Now, this isn't going to turn negative or whatever, it's just going to be a place where I'll express my feelings, fully and truthfully. And if you don't like what I have to say as I write out my thoughts, then don't read, close the screen. I'm not trying to cause drama or hurt people. I know there are people out there that know me, but don't talk to me, and only read my blog to know what's going on in my life. That's fine, but I've avoided things because of you. But I'm avoiding no more.

I'm just giving you a warning.

I did it...

I put my heart on the line. It was rejected. Now it's a little broken.

That's all I have to say about that for now.

The end.