Riley - The Miracle Dog

Pre-post note, the title was changed from this "You are healed!  {thump on the forehead}".

I'm not a fan of those tele-evangelist shows on TBN, but I thought what they do fit the title...  Title changed due to the extended edition of Riley's last 2 weeks.

As most of you read last Thursday, my poor pup was really sick and I was really worried.  All I can say is this, God is GOOD!  Like, really, really good!  So here's what happened...

Thursday:
I posted this.  Riley was not acting normal.  She was acting very 'punk'.  I tend to not worry a lot, almost to a fault.  But I was worried.

Friday:
Made an appointment to get her into the vet.  Kaitlin took her to the appointment, since I have work.  The vet said that she was very dehydrated and needed to be hooked up to an IV to rehydrate.  I explained, over the phone, what I suspect happened (getting into the trash) and we went from there.  Riley stayed at the vet all day Friday.  When I picked her up this is what I found out:  Riley most likely has pancreatitis, she also has a small piece of wire in her intestines.  The plan was that I'd bring her back in the morning and she'd resume IV treatment, have another x-ray, as well as possibly have a barium series done.  There was also the possibility that she'd need to have exploratory surgery.  So, I took her home, and a few friends also came over and hung out.  Despite having an anti-vomiting medication, she still continuted to regurgitate throughout the night.

Saturday:
Back to the vet we go.  Due to the fact that she continued to up-chuck water and bile all night the vet was very concerned.  And because of this, it was very possible that she wouldn't be able to keep the barium down.  The wire also barely moved.  So, in the vet's best clinical advice, she suggested that they go in for exploratory surgery and see what's going on.  And they did.  And they found that her pancreas was very inflamed, like really badly, like the worse they had ever seen.  And because of the condition of the pancreas, the bowel right next to it was in really bad shape.  So they removed the wire (a twisty tie) and closed her up.  I then had 3 options:  1) keep doing what we're doing and pray for the best, 2) take her to a local 24 hour emergency vet where they have her seizure meds in IV form, or 3) take her to a 24 hour emergency vet clinic where they have everything she would need as well as all the equipment needed.  Even though #3 was the most costly, it was also the most recommended choice for her condition.  So I picked her up, and with a friend we drove to Dublin (about 1.5 hours away).  With my permission, they took a blood sample to test and got her going on pain meds right away.  Poor thing was hurting, you could tell.  After some time, the vet explained everything under the sun to me regarding her condition, as well as every possible scenario that could happen because of her condition.  I told them that they were to do whatever needed to be done.  So I signed a form to give them my first born, give them a hefty deposit, said goodbye to my girl, and drove home.  I was told that no news is good news, that they'll check in with me morning and night, and to call if I had any questions or needed an update.

I. was. a mess.  A mess I tell you.  I realized when I got home that I was already mourning her, like she was already gone.  And that wasn't fair of me to not give her a fighting chance.  So I flipped my attitude around. 

Sunday:
Morning report was good!  No vomiting (which was great!) since 5pm Saturday.  Her heart rate and blood pressure were good too.  The vet wanted to run another full blood panel to check all her levels.  Do it!  (Honestly, at this point, what's another $130...?)  Evening report was again good.  All her levels were back into normal range.  She was doing much better and quicker than they expected.  That's my girl!  Dr. Ramos was going to consult with the evening vet to get her opinion on giving Riley water, and seeing if she keeps it down.

Monday:
I got a call from the night vet first thing in the morning.  She told me that they gave Ri a little bit of food, and if all goes well she should be able to go home the next day.  YEAH!  So, one more day at the vet (not included in the original estimate), but she'll be home.  Then, later, I got a call from the office around  5:30pm and they said that she's been released and is free to go home!  Praise the Lord!  So I went home and ate dinner real quick; then Kaitlin and I drove the 1 1/2 hours to pick up my girl!

added to included the extended edition...
Tuesday/Wednesday:
Riley was doing great!  Taking it easy, resting, eating, gaining her energy back, etc.  Kaitlin would check on her in the afternoon and hang out for a bit before I got home from work.

Thursday:
Went through the morning routine.  Food, meds, turn the TV on low before heading off to work.  Today was the one day Kaitlin didn't check on Riley.  And when I got home from work she wasn't home.  Nor was she at my parent's house.  Turns out I found a broken board in the back yard.  And I panicked.  Like, freaked out, grabbed my phone, called my parents, and started walking.  Sometime between 8:30am and 5:30pm Riley got loose.  She busted through a fence board where there was a slight hole going under it.  I walked the normal walk route.  I walked all over.  I asked everyone I saw outside if they had seen a small white dog.  I then drove all over.  I drove until it got dark.  Everyone else in the family walk, drove, rode a bike around too.  All to no avail.  I got home and immediately starting making signs to hang all over town.  Again, it was a sleepless night.

Friday:
Luckily my boss was very understanding.  In fact, he told me to go drive around once an hour.  And around noon he told me to get done what had to get done and to go.  I checked local animal shelters.  Called local vets.  Posted more signs.  Cried.  And prayed.  I himmed and hawwed about still going to Vegas the next day.  I just didn't know what else to do.  Mom and Dad came over and said that they both agree that I should still go.  I've done everything I could and sitting around moping all weekend won't do me any good.  At least in Vegas I'll be distracted while at the convention.  So I packed.  Then slept another sleepless night.

Saturday:
Finished packing.  Stopped and visited my adorable nieces.  Then headed to Fresno to visit Paige and Melissa before flying out.  It was great seeing the Gleason Family.  Amazing how much those kids have grown since I last saw them in July.  My flight left at 8:30pm and landed around 9:30.  After getting checked in at the MGM I walked to see where the convention center was taking place then hung out in my room.  Yea, I'm a baller like that.

Sunday:
Work up to the phone at 6:30am.  It was Kaitlin in hysterics.  My first thought was not a good one.  But then she started screaming that Riley was back.  She was home.  Thanks to my Mom for suggesting that I leave the gate propped open, then just in case Riley would have access to get back into the house (doggy door).  And that's exactly what happened.  She was home.  She was dirty.  And she brought a few hitching friends with her (nothing a little flea dip won't kill).  Praise God!  What an answer to prayer!  And then I slept soundlessly.

Everything looked good.  She didn't seem to be hurt, her scar wasn't infected, and she was happy to be home.  This past Tuesday she went to the vet, where the vet was very happy with her recovery from pancreatitis and being loose.  She's down a few pounds, which she needed to lose anyways.  I'm able to start incorporating normal dog food back into her diet.  And I'm happy.

Oh, and she's on house arrest.

So that is the story of Riley the Miracle Dog.  That's what everyone around town is calling her.  The dog that nearly died, then ran away, then almost 72 hours later found her way home.

Help the Helpless

I don't know about you, but I feel helpless.  Helpless that I sit in my posh little world, in the middle of posh California, on the far west of the posh United States.  Helpless about the complete tragedy that shook (sorry, bad pun...) through Haiti a week ago. 

I've felt earthquakes.  Minor ones, aftershocks mostly.  In fact, just a week and a half ago I "saw" the results of the earthquake off the coast of northern California in my parent's pool, it was sloshing back and forth.  And I remember the big quake of 1989 that shook up San Francisco.  But I don't remember feeling much of anything about it back then though.

But now, my heart aches.  It aches for the Haitians.  To me, no amount of money will fix what's happened.  Sure, it will help with medical supplies (which are much needed), and it may help in the rebuilding efforts of their capitol city and fix their infrastructure.  But it doesn't fix the devastating loss they experienced. 

And all I can do is sit here and think of how I can help.  How one single person can impact their lives.  Truth is I can't.  No amount of money donated will seem like enough.  Honestly, the only way that I could maybe feel like I'm doing something, anything is to be there.  To help in the efforts to lift their spirits and rebuild their city and homes.  That's a ways away though.  Maybe, when volunteer groups (people without a "speciality") go over I'll be one of them. 

But I know that there is prayer.  I can pray.  And God can do a mighty thing through prayer.  He has before and He will again. 

So this is what I ask.  If you can, give.  There are tons of organizations out there that are taking donations specifically for Haiti relief.  Just think of the impact we would make, if you and everyone you know gave $5 and everyone they know gave $5, and so on and so forth.  There are tons of other places you can give:  Red Cross, Doctors Without Borders, and World Vision to name a few.  Me? I gave to Compassion International. Why that organization you ask? Well, because I sponsor a child through them. Because they are actioning in response to the Great Commission, because they are advocates for children, "to release them from their spiritual, economic, social and physical poverty", because they are teaching the young about God and Jesus and how to follow them.

If you can't give, then pray.  Pray for peace among the nation, pray for healing, pray for those that are working around the clock searching for those that are trapped, there are a million and one things you can pray for for Haiti.

This is the point where I wish I knew the Bible well enough to reference a verse.  But I don't.  I know there there are plenty in there that are applicable.  Just pick it up and read any of it.

Ok, I'm getting off my little soap box now.

Prayer of Thanksgiving

Everyday we have much to be thankful for, but do you give thanks everyday?   In the craziness of the holiday season, and the slowness of the rest of the year, don't forget to turn to the one who gives you such things to be thankful for.

God,
We thank you for all the abundant blessings and gifts You have given us.  Please let the Light of Your love continue to burn bright in us today, as we thank You and celebrate You.  Keep showing us Your will and giving us the resources and strength to do what You want us to do.

Let us find the way to love one another by seeing You, God, in our family and neighbors.  As we go forward again this day, in this life, let us always remember You and Love You.
Amen.

I would so love to hear what your prayer, blessings, or grace is at your Thanksgiving table.  Feel free to comment below.

A Prayer of Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Just the right words...

I love it when just what I needed to hear or be reminded of shows up in my inbox. Amazing how God does that...

Relax. I'm in control.

"Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart."
- Philippians 4:6

After two failed attempts to land, a balloonist panicked. Knowing he had only half of one tank of fuel left, he frantically scanned the thick woods for a spot to attempt another landing. Nearly paralyzed with fear, he cried out to God, "Help me. Take control of this situation. Lord, find me a safe place to land!" With that prayer, a feeling of calm came over him. His fingers unclenched, and he felt a wave of peace.

A few seconds later, the balloonist spotted a small clearing directly ahead... and in it, two of the biggest bulls he had ever seen. He held on tightly as the basket hit the ground, tipped over, and was dragged for about fifty yards.

To his amazement, the bulls seemed oblivious to all the commotion. As his ground crew came racing toward him, one of them said, "How were you able to keep the balloon under control?" The balloonist laughed to himself for he knew the truth. He had landed safely because he had given up control to God.

Does your life seem to be out of control? Ask God for help. He's done a great job with the universe. Being invited to help you get a grip on your life will be His pleasure. Remember, He loves you!

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God's Chisel

Last week at church we talked about John 15. Pastor Ken ended a 3 week series on the 15th Chapter of John by interviewing a congregation member as well as sharing a video clip. I highly recommend you go watch it (since I can't seem to get it to connect with this post).

Basically it's about YOU being God's masterpiece, but it'll take some chiseling away to get you just right.

So pop on over to youtube.com and watch the God's Chisel Skit.

May Updates!

1. Run (not walk) a 5k race.
   05 - Ummm... I admit it. I SUCK! Besides moving the massive pile of bricks from my backyard I did nothing.
   04 - HA! Well, I maybe went on a couple walky-jogs. I've yet to sign up to race in anything. Need more training!
   03 - Definitely went walk/jogging more often in March. Oh, and crunches, I've done some crunches!
   02 - I've gone walking a few more times than I did in January. That's progress!
   01 - So, ah, I've gone walking once or twice. That's a start!
   
2. Read the Bible in a year.
   05 - Keepin' up! Finished reading through Judges, Job, Ruth, Acts, and Joshua.
   04 - Still goin'! Finished Matthew, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.
   03 - On track! In March I've finished reading though Leviticus, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon.
   02 - I'm doing just dandy with this. I've completely read through Genesis, Exodus, and Hebrews. I'm almost done with Leviticus and Proverbs.
   01 - So far, so good!
   
3. Lose 10 pounds.
   05 - Broke even...
   04 - I warn you, I wasn't down. I kinda slipped. See chart below... (Shown is March and April)
   03 -Down 1 pound. Hey, it's a loss! See chart below...
   02 - 5.5 pounds down...from returning cruise weight...
   01 - So what if I told you that I was down 9 pounds by my own scale in just January alone? Yep, it's true. Wanna see my chart? Of course you do!
   
4. Post a picture a day...taken on that day... instead of a quote a day.
   05 - Yep. A picture is going up each day. Sometimes there are lags between days due to intermittent internet.
   04 - Still not a picture from that day, but posting pictures from within the time frame of the date. Flowers are in bloom and beautiful, plus they're easy subjects, so I've taken a lot of flower pictures.
   03 - Still not doing the best on the picture being from that day, but whatever, I'm posting a picture a day.
   02 - After the cruise I slacked on taking a picture a day. But I was still posting a picture a day. I'll work on that...
   01 - Ok, so I've slacked a few days. But I get caught up!
   
5. Have monthly dinner party, or at least invite some friends over for dinner.
   05 - Boo! I've had my family over. But I did gather friends for my birthday dinner!...at BJ's...
   04 - Well, I had people over, wait no that was May 1st. Ah! Yes, I had a lunch buffet sandwich building business thing for those giving souls that helped work on my path. (I still need to share my path don't I?)
   03 - Woot woot! Hosted TND on the 5th Tuesday. Total about 15 people came. I made this for dinner. It was good! Making a vow to have people over more often.
   02 - The last couple weeks I've had my family over for dinner on Friday nights. And I've volunteered to have TND at my house the 5th Tuesday of March. I'll let you know how that goes.
   01 - I failed for January. February isn't over yet though...
   
6. Down size possessions...aka clutter
   05 - I rearranged my back room. Now when looking in it looks less cluttered. That counts, right?
   04 - Decided that my back room needs to be cleaned out and rearranged, especially the closet. So that is going to be my project for May.
   03 - Sure...? I actually physically removed the bags of stuff to get rid of. So I guess that counts since it was cluttering up my room.
   02 - I rearranged the living/dining room and went though some more of my closet.
   01 - I've gone through my closet and through my pile of purses.
   
7. Try new recipes from the cookbooks I have. (see #5, they will be guinea pigs...)
   05 - New recipes tried for Memorial BBQ. One recipe is posted on my recipe site, the others will come shortly.
   04 - Sure I've made stuff. What have I made...? Cake pops, I made cake pops!
   03 - Family = guinea pigs. Poor family...
   02 - Ummmm... I haven't tried anything new. But I've tried new things that my mom has made. Does that count...?
   01 - Boo me! How does cereal sound? Mac & Cheese...?
   
8. Exercise a minimum of 3 times a week (walk/jog, Wii Fit, DVD, etc., see #1 which will lead to #3)
   05 - Boo...
   04 - See #1. I really need to start doing something, anything.
   03 - Need to make a REAL commitment to do this on a regular basis. Once the habit is made I'll be in good shape. The time change has really kicked my butt though, I get home and I just want to be lazy.
   02 - Boo! I'm still on the once a week average. Time to kick it into gear!
   01 - I've averaging about once a week of exercising on purpose. But I do activities that include activity.
   
9. Daily make time for God.
   05 - Will be a continuous work in progress for the rest of my life.
   04 - Prayer, reading, bible study, church, worship, etc. I do it all, but I'm still lacking. I'm by no means perfect.
   03 - If you count my daily readings as time spent with God then I'm doing well. Although it's not always necessarily quality time though...
   02 - There is always room for improvement here. But I'm human and I'm trying. I pray more regularly and I'm in the Word daily. That's definitely moving in the right direction.
   01 - Doing well. Spending lots of time in prayer. I'm not even kidding.
   
10. Travel somewhere new.
    05 - Traveled to ummm, the big town of Lodi. For the Zinfest. I had never been to that part of Lodi before, so it was new, therefore I traveled somewhere new. Go me!
    04 - I went to my favoritest place in California, back to where I went to college, San Luis Obispo. Although it was a quick day trip, it was well worth it. I saw family, I drank wine, I ate at Firestone's and walked around downtown, and went to Pismo. I need to go back again, but next time for a little longer.
    03 - Currently there are no travel plans and I don't like that! I need to plan something asap to make me feel human again!
    02 - Um, did I go anywhere in February? I don't think so. But that's ok!
    01 - Just got back from a cruise to Cabo about a week and a half ago.
    

Good Friday?

I receive a weekly e-mail from gotquestions.org. Got Questions is a Christian site where you can ask any question on Christianity and/or the Bible and it will spit out about 101 answers. Today's e-mailed question and answer are below, which I thought were fitting given what today is...

Question: "What is Good Friday?"
Answer: Good Friday is the Friday immediately preceding Easter Sunday. It is celebrated traditionally as the day on which Jesus was crucified. Assuming that Jesus was crucified and died on a Friday, should Christians remember Jesus' death by celebrating Good Friday?

The Bible does not instruct Christians to remember Christ’s death by honoring a certain day. The Bible does give us freedom in these matters, however. Romans 14:5 tells us, “One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.” Rather than remembering Christ's death on a certain day, once a year, the Bible instructs us to remember Christ’s death by observing the Lord’s Supper. First Corinthians 11:24-26 declares, “...do this in remembrance of me...for whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes.”

Why is Good Friday referred to as “good”? What the Jewish authorities and Romans did to Jesus was definitely not good (see Matthew chapters 26-27). However, the results of Christ’s death are very good! Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” First Peter 3:18 tells us, “For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit.”

Many Christian churches celebrate Good Friday with a subdued service, usually in the evening, in which Christ’s death is remembered with solemn hymns, prayers of thanksgiving, a message centered on Christ suffering for our sakes, and observance of the Lord's Supper. Whether or not Christians choose to “celebrate” Good Friday, the events of that day should be ever on our minds because the death of Christ on the cross is the paramount event of the Christian faith.

Genie in the Bible...?

God is not the genie in the Bible.

In other words, you can't rub the Bible and just ask God for things.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Patience

God, I'm ready. I'm ready for a healed heart. Please help fill me with a renewed spirit, guard my heart. Amen.

Patience.

Father, please help me to let go. Let me lean on you. Guard and protect my heart. Your plan is far greater than any plan I could have for myself. Help me Lord. Amen.

Be patient.

Father God, I don't know what's going on, but You do. What am I to do? Lead me, guide me. Make my path straight. I put my full trust and faith in you. I'm pretty dumb when it comes to the common sense stuff and to know when it's you telling me something. You may have to hit me upside the head for me to get the message. Please write it out for me in a simple way. Amen.

Just be patient.

Lord, I am not a patient person. I trust You though. Please help me become more patient and to fully lean on you. Help me not to jump to conclusions or to let my imagination run wild. In your time things will be known. But in the mean time, fill my every void with your love. Amen.

Long Road

The road is long. And the road is not a nicely paved path, there are potholes and bumps along the way. It's not always a smooth road. Sometimes you can set your cruise control and zip right down the road, but sometimes you've got to go a little slow and proceed with caution. Sometimes there are curves in the the road, and sometimes the road is straight. Sometime there are other cars on the road, but sometimes you're on it alone.

But you're not completely alone. Although you may not realize it, there is always a passenger in your car. Someone that guides you and helps direct you. Someone to navigate. Someone that's been down this road before and knows what to expect along the way.

I know for me the road of life definitely has it's ups and downs. But I also rest in knowing that my Savior, Jesus Christ, is always with me, even though I don't always necessarily feel like He is. Knowing that my path is already laid out and that I won't be given more than I can handle is comforting. Has what I've gone through in the past been tough? Sure. But it could be far worse, and I know that I can handle whatever God has prepared for me because I'm not alone.

Spiritual Gift Analysis

A couple weeks ago I was reading a friends blog and she mentioned spiritual gifts. She's in a bible study that is currently studying Romans, verse by verse. So, being the internet savvy person she is she found a "quiz" to figure out one's spiritual gift(s).

Now, I know God has blessed me with at least one gift, but I couldn't necessarily tell you what it is. Sure, I could tell you about my character, but I could never tell you biblically what I feel I've been gifted with.

Maybe this quiz would help. Or at least maybe it would enlighten me.

So what am I? First off, here are my options:

• Evangelism
• Prophecy
• Teaching
• Exhortation
• Pastor/Shepherd
• Showing Mercy
• Serving
• Giving
• Administration

I could see 2, maybe 3 things that I tend to lean towards. So what did my results say? My number one is showing mercy. Yeah, I figured that would have been a top. Second, exhortation. What is exhortation? Better figure that out...quickly. And my third top tied between pastor/shepherd and administration. I would have guessed administration would have been one, I picked it for myself. I'm not so sure about pastor/shepherd though...

Next the "Spiritual Gifts Analysis" goes further to describe your gifts. Spiritual gifts are tools God gives Christians to do the work of the ministry - to fulfill the Great Commission... So my dominant gifts are showing mercy and exhortation (I'm gonna learn what that one is).

Showing Mercy:

• The Greek word "ellco" means to feel sympathy with or for others.
• You have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by identifying with and comforting those who are in distress.
• You understand and comfort your fellow Christians.
• You have the ability to show empathy, which is to feel with others, not just for others.
• You seem to say the right thing at the right time.
• Your personality is likely one of soft-spoken love.
• It hurts you to scold someone; you are very non-condemning.
• People love you because of all the love you give them.
• You find it easy to express yourself and are outgoing with a low-key inoffensive personality.
• You are easy to talk to, responsive to people, a good listener, peaceable, and agreeable.
• You tend to make decisions based on feelings rather than facts, and you like to think about things for a while before making a decision.
• You tend to attract people who are hurting or rejoicing because you identify with them.
• Try not to resent others who are not as understanding as you.
• Refrain from becoming a gossiper when you are around other mercy-showers.
• Do not let your circumstances control you.
• Your gift is best in times of sorrow and in times of great joy.

Exhortation:

• The Greek word "parakaleo" means to admonish, to encourage, to beseech.
• You are a "how to" person.
• You have a Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by motivating others to action by urging them to pursue a course of conduct.
• You reach out and help Christians become more mature.
• You are a very practical person, a good counselor, tolerant of others, serious-minded, orderly, and usually impulsive.
• You are comfortable working one-on-one or in groups.
• You are enthusiastic and talkative and enjoy encouraging others.
• You likely place great importance on God's will and believe that His Word has the answer for every problem.
• You tend to make decisions logically rather than on feelings and are very orderly.
• Be careful not to interrupt other people; your enthusiasm sometimes makes you guilty of this.

So there you have it. I feel sympathy then I encourage. Or I encourage then I sympathize. Now I just need to find out more what the bible has to say about these spiritual gifts and how God encourages (parakaleo) them to be used.

So what are your spiritual gifts? How do you feel God is using you?

Alaska, Alaska, Alaska!

What is God doing to me?

Ever since I met Dennis, it seems that state of Alaska is showing up more and more in my life. Or maybe I'm just more aware of it, but I don't think that's it.

Sure, maybe I heard a lot about the state on the news because of Sarah Palin. But that's over now.

So...why does it seem like it's always turning up?

Like yesterday, I was flipping through a AAA Traveler magazine I got in the mail. Now, mind you, I've never gotten this publication in the mail before as I'm not a member of AAA. Page 4...

It's a Fact: Alaska

• 1.2 - Number of inhabitants per square mile in the state.
• 18 - Out of more than 200, number of countries in the world that are larger than Alaska.
• 350 - Highest altitude, in miles, that Alaska's Northern Lights reach.
• 50 - Number of years Alaska has been a state, as of 2009.

There you go, so random facts for you. But I come across this kind of stuff all the time!

God, what are you trying to tell me?

What the HAY?

A dear friend of mine- one that I never see or call, but we keep in touch various other ways- e-mailed me the other day. 1) She wanted to know what the heck is going on with Kaitlin (which you can read here), and 2) What is going on with Dennis? We've had a good back and forth e-mail rambling sessions going on. One that really touched me, not only because of her friendship and her concern, but because she is seeing things the same way that I am. Hopefully she doesn't mind that I'm posting our conversation, but I'll remove any names on her side to keep her anonymous.

But this will also kinda bring you up to speed I guess...

Kamakazie: ...just being nosey, but how is everything with Dennis?

Me: I don't know what's going on with Dennis quite honestly. He's confused, which confuses me. Just when I think we're taking a step forward it's followed by 2 steps back. He tells me that he's having a hard time not being together and that he can't stop thinking about me, but yet he doesn't feel he's "ready" to commit, he doesn't feel he's figured himself out to be in a healthy relationship, and is waiting to proceed with God's blessing. It's just so stinkin' HARD! I just keep telling him to be open to what God is doing in his life and to follow his heart. Maybe he can't stop thinking about me for a reason, because his head is telling his heart not yet. You know? I don't know. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do really. I have strong feelings for him, and they aren't going to go away overnight. And after having what we've had I can't drop to friend level. All I can do is pray, lots of prayer, LOTS. So, yeah, that's where that is...

Kamakazie: Hmmmmm... guys can be such a hard read... Do you think Dennis is having such a hard time with everything because he feels guilty? Guilty about the kids- for their sake and yours? Guilty about the fact that you would CLEARLY have to move to Alaska to be with him permanently because there is no way he can leave his children? Maybe he doesn't even realize he feels guilty but that is playing into his "indecision." Also, what type of "blessing" is he looking for? I mean, I know I believe God talks to us, but it isn't necessarily in a "Hey, Dennis, you know, I want you to be with Courtney!" type of way... Is he listening into the little things? Like you said, the fact that he can't stop thinking about you, the fact that you clicked with his kids (HUGE by the way!), the fact that you are a CHRISTIAN woman who loves the LORD??? Just curious if you've asked him what type of blessing he is looking for? Does he love you? Can he see himself with you when he's old? I know, all romantic notions, but important to ask and think about I guess... Sorry, guess i'm probably not helping- probably just giving you more to think about! YiKES! sorry about that!

Me: I don't know. That's just it, I don't know what he's feeling. Maybe he's feeling guilty. His parents, whom have never met me, are even telling him that he's crazy. Here he's found this girl that he keeps telling them how much of a catch and how amazing I am, and that I'm willing to move to Alaska, and his kids and I got along. Unfortunately though, their opinions aren't swaying his vote any at this point. He has told me that if he could, he would move for me, and I told him time and time again that there is no way he could because of the kids and that I was fine with that - wherever he is is where I want to be. He wondered how he could ever let me move because of how close I am with my family. I told him that ever since moving home from college I haven't truely felt at home, like this is just a resting point before God sends me somewhere else; I don't feel the connection with Hilmar like I used to. I don't know exactly he's wanting from God. I guess just a blessing that we're meant to be and good for one another. Part of this, and I understand his fear, is that he's divorced, and he never intended to get divorced, but it happened. And he doesn't want that to happen again. He's wants his next marriage, if he gets married again, to be forever and blessed by God. Understandable. But I don't know how exactly he expects God to tell him one way or another. Confirmations that I've gotten: he fits every single characteristic that I want in a spouse; I loved Alaska (face it, not everyone does), we clicked from the beginning, I know there are others I'm drawing blanks right now... But God took every "ideal" that I had and said, "No, this is how it's going to be." Like, "Look, you laugh at finding someone on the internet, well here he is." I can't just come out and ask him what kinds of blessings he's looking for, or if he can see himself growing old with me. I think that this point it would just muddy things up for him, someone besides me would have to ask him to make him think about those things. Too bad we don't have any mutual friends that I could get to do that... But I don't want to ask him and have him think that I'm trying to force him or make him commit. Does he love me? Right now, I don't know. At one time, yes. I believe he still has feelings for me, or why would he be thinking about me all the time? But how deep are those feelings, I don't know. Trust me, I've tried to figure things out. Unfortunately the male logic, as is female, is not that easy to understand. And unfortunately, he has to figure it out for himself. He did tell me that I'm the first person he would consider to be with. Right now though, I'm having a really hard time holding onto hope and keeping faith. I fear that if I cut off contact completely to give him the time and space he needs that I'll lose him forever because he'll forget about me. But I know that that is also Satan playing on my insecurities. And that I have to be faithful and hopeful. Do I love him? Yes. Can I imagine growing old with him? I can't imagine my life without him in it. And that's so crazy being as we only knew and dated each other for 4 months. But when you know it's right, you just know. No, don't be sorry. I've thought of everything just about, but it's nice to have an outsider's perspective that isn't negative.

Thank you! Thank you for your support, and for caring, and being there.

Kamakazie: I think Dennis' fears about Divorce are understandable. However, I also think, and this is my own opinion, but I think that divorce happens a lot of times when God is NOT the center of a relationship and when one or both people in the marriage are being selfish... Is Dennis' ex- wife a christian- did they get married as christians? I know that being a Christian doesn't necessarily mean people don't get divorced- I know too many people who have- but I also know a lot of Christians who have gotten divorced due to not allowing God to take over their relationship or the other partner not having a strong belief in God (& they chose to get married to that person any way)... I think I'm rambling here... sorry about that. A healthy marriage takes GOD, committment, compromise- all the things that you are already showing him... I hope that he realizes sometime soon that God is already showing him so many blessings through you. And I will be praying that you can be patient in God's timing for things to work out... or not work out as hard as that sounds like it will be on you. You seem so happy- happier than I have "seen" you in a long time and I truly hope that all this works out in the ways that you envision it playing out... Again, rambling!

I really liked how you told Dennis that Hilmar is just a resting place for you... I never knew you felt that way, but what a way to feel! I know there are great things out there for you and that God will reveal them to you in his timing! Patience truly is the hardest thing to have- trust me I know from waiting for "Son" to come home- LONGEST 19 months of my life! But, God's timing is perfect and you'll see that in the end...

Me: Yea, I don't know the details of their marriage. But as far as I know they were both christians when they got married, I know Dennis was for sure. Was their relationship centered around God? I couldn't tell you, but I'm guessing no. I asked Dennis when I was up there how he and his ex met, he told me how and even though he didn't feel it was right they still got married. It sounds like they yelled at each other a lot during their marriage, which isn't healthy at all. And it sounds like she if not both were selfish, not selfless. He was in a different place during that time, and he knows that his heart wasn't focused on God and that his next relationship must be. And, well, she had multiple affairs during their marriage, hence the divorce. It's sad. And he recognizes that they weren't meant to be married, which probably adds to his fear and being positive that it's in God's plan. At least he was blessed with 2 beautiful, well behaved children. But yes, all relationships need to be centered around God. And all ramblings allowed! And yes, I have been the happiest that I've been in a LONG time. I love being in love, and feeling loved, and having that someone in my life, especially when it feels so right and from God. Thank you for seeing that in me too.

Yea, I feel that Hilmar is just a stopping point in my life, not where I'm to end up and stay. Patience sucks! But, I know God is testing me to trust Him and to be patient. It's still not easy though! I can't help but think though that years down the road our relationship will be strong because of what we're going through, God willing... And we'll probably even laugh about it a little.

Keep rambling. I like to hear others ramble for a change. It's refreshing, really it is!



So there you have it. That's kinda what's going on, at least that's me and my thoughts and using a friend as a sound board.

Continue to pray people.

Words for thought...

My bible study leader, bless her heart, sends out e-mails often. Generally she forwards devotions from random devotion sender generators thingymabobbers, but sometimes she sends other things. Like this, an excerpt from a devotional book by T.D. Jakes...

"Jesus is the Star that outshines everything this world has to offer. He is the only One who can light your way and lead you safely down the sometimes treacherous path called life. He is the only One who can take your hand and bid you follow Him into the fulfillment of your God-given purpose. He is the only One who knows the grand destination that is your divine destiny--and the steps you need to take in order to get there. He is the only One who can place a dream in your heart and then cause it to come to pass in a way that will leave you grinning and shaking your head in total amazement. He is the only One you can really trust, and the only One worth trusting."

Just take some time to really think about that.

What is hope?

I have hope. I am hopeful. I have hope that God is bigger then me and that His plan for me is great. I have hope that what I feel is truly from God. If I didn't have hope, I would be a lost soul.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

See that, "plans for hope and a future." Though with this hopefulness the road is not easy. But I know that my God is with me every step of the way protecting and loving me.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Romans 8:24-25

As we wait for God's will to unfold, we should place our confidence in God's goodness and wisdom. And God never makes promises he won't keep, it's just that his plan may take more time than we expect. Patience is where I lack, patience is here I seek help.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope...faithful in prayer. WOW! What would be the point of not being joyful in hope? To not be joyful in hope would be to give up, to call defeat and wave the white flag. To not be joyful in hope would be not believing that God's plan is great and perfect. To not be joyful in hope would be to see the glass as half empty and view life with such unbearable negativity.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

Therefore, I have hope.

Delete...delete... and delete

Some of you may be wondering what I've been doing lately. Or not. But I'm going to tell you anyways.

By lately I mean the last couple of days to a week. So really not that long, but nonetheless it's something that I've been doing; mainly because I've been feeling convicted.

I, little by little, have been deleting secular music from my computer.

Here's the thing. I listen to Christian music primarily. It's what I play in my car, and what I tend to go to on my iPod. So, why, if I mostly listen to Christian music, do I feel the need to have so many secular songs on my computer? It's like I'm collecting songs or something. And the thing of it is, I hardly listen to probably 75% of them.

So, I started off with about 11.2 GIGABYTES of songs, not including the CD's that I own and have uploaded. Of that 11.2 gigs, only 2.4 is of the Christian, gospel, or worship genres. Here's how I've been going about the deletion process, as I hear a song that I normally skip, delete. If there are random songs that I have by an artist just because I like one of their songs, delete. You get the picture. So far I've deleted almost a gig of music, but there is a lot more to go. I've also been replacing the deleted stuff with more Christian music.

I guess this could kinda fall into one of my resolutions of purging or cleaning. It's just one of the needed steps to clean up my life, and filling my ears with words pleasing to God.

Who needs an update?

Well, let's see. Where do I start? Where did I leave off? What do you want to know?

Status on the situation has not changed. Dennis and I are still "friends". Although, we're texting and talking a lot more often. The only difference is that the "I love you's" and pet names have been dropped from conversations, but I still sneak them in when I can. Ha! He doesn't seem to mind.

The Christmas season is over, as is the couple of visits from higher-ups from work for Dennis. Just as I predicted, he was very stressed and overwhelmed with all that going on. Since it's over, he's gotten better. But he's still unsure of where he should be right now. He doesn't know if he's even meant to be married again. He doesn't know who he is anymore. He pointed out a week or so ago that he has been officially divorced for almost a whole year, and things are starting to calm down for him.

We have had conversations about the future. If there will be one or not. He doesn't know. Oh, but I do, I know what's in my heart and that I'm still being lead by God. He did tell me though that part of him wants to be in a relationship with me right now, but he needs to work on himself in order to be in a healthy one. I respect that, how can I not respect that. And I value that he wants to be right with God and happy with himself. So I'll wait, and I'll be there when he's ready. We've talked about many other things also, but I'll keep those to myself for now.

So, where does that leave us? Worse than we were a month ago, but better then we were 2 weeks ago. All we can do is continue the friendship, and continue praying. I pray that God does a mighty thing in his life, and that he does it fairly quickly. But during this time I've grown by leaps and bounds, more then I thought possible.

In my heart I still feel the same leading as I did shortly after we started talking. Everything just starting lining up. It's hard to explain, but things just started falling into place. My feelings for Dennis have not diminished in the least bit, if anything they've grown despite the distance between us. I've had a lot of time to reflect and pray.

If you feel so, please continue to pray also.

Hallelujah! A Savior is Born

Today I'm a little hoarse, this morning not so much. Mainly because today, this morning, was the big Christmas service at church. And I sang in the choir...both services...oh, and a whole time through at 8am before both services. Not counting the 2+ hour rehearsal we had Thursday.

But you know what. It was all worth it!

Praise God!

See the title...?

That thing up there that says "Practicing Patience". Well, it's in times like this that I really need patience from God.

You see I don't have patience. I like knowing what's going on. I like a plan. It could be a loose plan, but it's a plan nonetheless. And right now, I don't know what the plan is. Are we going to be good friends that talk every couple days? Are we going to be acquaintance friends that talk once a month or less? I don't know and not knowing is driving me crazy.

Patience. Please pray for patience.

Update...

I'll start with this, the conversation went better than I was expecting. But being as I really didn't know what to expect from it, it went ... well. It was decided that our status would drop from "relationship" to "friendship" and build on that, slowly. Dennis has a lot going on in his life, and he wants to get a grasp on it. Focusing primarily on getting back in step with God and what He has planned for his life. He is also dealing with a lot of guilt from the divorce and how it is affecting his children.

So, what does this all mean? I really don't know. We'll still talk, just not as often I suppose. We'll still text, but not as frequently throughout the day. Pet names will have to be dropped as well and the "I love yous" and "Muahs" (our way of sending each other a kiss). That part is going to be the hardest because my feelings for him are still there. But for him, I have to be strong and try to maintain a drawn boundary line.

I asked him on the phone last night if he felt any direction from God one way or another regarding us; he said no, which is part of the problem. He doesn't want to start a relationship and then bring God into it; he wants God to be the one to start the relationship and remain the center. I agree. Things for us did move fast, talk of the future happened early on before really getting to know one another on a deeper level. So it's more like we're starting fresh and not so intense.

So that's where we are. Please continue to pray. I know stress levels are high with the holiday season, and he's just in a season of his life feeling lost and without God.

One thing he did tell me was that he doesn't even know if God has it in His plan for him to ever remarry. And if he is called to, that it won't be for a couple years. I kinda had to remind him that that's what we talked about all along. Even when he explained himself to my parents he said that he's on a 12 year plan, really meaning 2 years. But I wasn't expecting a proposal in 2 months and to be married 3 months later. Obviously with our relationship being long distance we would need to have not only quality time on the phone growing, but also quality and quantity time face to face. And that comes with time.

So what does the future hold? I don't know. I don't know how long Dennis will take in his pursuit of getting right with God and dealing with what he has going on. I don't know if having a relationship together is in God's plan. I do know that I've never had any doubts, but have only seen confirmation from Him. But Dennis needs to realize that on his own. I'm willing to wait though if it's in God's plan. I accept his past, flaws (even though I don't see them as flaws) and all. After talking to my mom last night, both she and my dad accept him and his past as well. They see how happy he makes me, and that's all they want for their children...happiness.

So again, please continue to pray. Pray for me to be able to honor Dennis' wishes to build on a friendship without my feelings getting in the way. Pray that I can honor his request to have time for himself to really focus on his calling and God's will in his life. Pray that God is quick about this! Seriously! Is that selfish of me? Pray that God will be the center of our "...ship", which ever it is and will be. Pray that Dennis can release the guilt he holds onto. Pray that he'll be able to have a conversation about helping him with the kids and allowing him to have time to himself when he's not working sometimes. Pray that God strengthens our hearts and prepares us for what is to come.

Pleease continue to pray.