Making Room for Love

 Yes.  I want to find love.  I want someone to look for love and find me.  But maybe past relationship are prohibiting me from moving forward to the place I need to be.  I know about this, twice in the past year.  It's definitely been a growing experience; not necessarily a pleasant time, but needed.  So, maybe it's time I need to make room for love in my life.  So, once again, let's see what I can glean from an article...

1. Honesty - Every heard the saying "honesty is the best policy"?  When it comes to Exes, this doesn’t mean you need to tell them off or reminding them of what they did wrong, but the opposite. It’s being honest with yourself about the strange cocktail of emotions that a break-up can trigger.  If you’re unresolved in any way about your Ex, these underlying feelings can become unnecessary baggage in your dating life. Make an effort to be honest with yourself.
2.  No Fault Policy - Whether you feel like you were a victim or a volunteer with your Ex, it’s better not to place blame. The more fixated you are on getting even, proving a point, or feeling vindicated, the less available you are to nurture warm, fuzzy feelings for someone else. By lowering your pointer finger, you’ll find that you’re now free to hold hands with someone new. (ok, that was all taken word for word, maybe because, um, guilty!)
3. Clear Boundaries - When your boundaries are clear you can spend less time and energy protecting yourself. Draw lines in the sand with your Ex. Know your limits and be direct about what they are. Once you can do that you’ll be able to choose who gets under your skin and who stays at arm’s length.
4. Be Quiet - Talk less. Listen more. When you converse with your Ex, be willing to hear their requests and respond without getting defensive. If you can't talk it out, you may need to use email instead. It’s easier to be clear and to avoid engaging in go-nowhere, exhausting conversations in writing. Writing (and reading) information in an email prevents you from reacting. -Don’t push their buttons. -Don’t build your case. -Don’t say things that will incite arguments. You might miss love calling if you’re in a screaming match with your Ex.
5. A New Approach - Come on, if you keep playing the same old song you keep dancing the same old dance. If your interactions with your Ex keep producing the same unsatisfying outcome, for goodness sake, try a different approach. Prepare an alternative (dare we say better) way for handling your Ex.
6. False Intimacy Can be Dangerous - While you don’t need to be overly guarded, sometimes part of having clear boundaries is not letting your Ex get too close to you. Yes, that means physically (virtually impossible for me, thank goodness), emotionally, spiritually and financially. No, they cannot fix your sprinkler system anymore or tuck you in when you’re sick. Too much intimacy with an Ex can be confusing to everyone. It can reignite old feelings that were better left snuffed out (I couldn't agree more!). More than anything, it distracts you from giving someone, anyone, a chance.
7. Say Goodbye - Saying goodbye to an Ex might be the most obvious thing yet it’s often the least common thing people do. Don’t walk down memory lane anymore. Don’t revisit old wounds and hurts. Don’t reengage. If this person constantly reactivates bad feelings and brings out your worst self, it’s time to let them go for your sake as well as theirs. Just keep walking forward without looking back. (This is something I've had to do, I had to tell D that we couldn't be friends.  As much as he was a good friend, a dear friend, I just couldn't do it.  It was too hard to keep that line in the sand.)

You deserve a second chance. I deserve a second chance.  To truly create an opportunity to meet your new love you need to focus your energy on moving on. The love you’re looking for is ahead of you, not behind you. If you stay focused on the road beyond the windshield you’ll get there much sooner.

Read more here.

Finding Mr. Right

It's time for some useful advice for all you single ladies out there...or me.  Really it's for me, but I'm going to share it with you.  So here goes...

Evaluate Your Past
It's time to assess your past romantic relationships.  Ask yourself what worked and what didn't and the reasons for each of your past relationships.

You Can't Find Mr. Right Until You Love Yourself
Much of your worth will be derived externally, from the person you are dating; but true self-worth is internal.  Focus on what activities they like to do and develop that realm of your life. When you feel good about what you do you will feel good about who you are.

Decide What You Want in Mr. Right
Take the time to make a wish list of all the values and characteristics you would want in a partner, this list should include items you will not budge on.  When dating, continually ask yourself if your goals, interests and personal beliefs are in synch with the other persons. You shouldn’t have to compromise these items in an ideal mate.

When You Find Mr. Right, Don't Let Him Go
You can’t find Mr. Right if you are not looking.  Step outside your comfort zone, whether that be asking someone out on a blind date, asking friends to set you up or updating your online profile. When it comes to finding the person of your dreams sometimes you have to be the one to make the first move. If you begin to look for a good relationship with someone of character, you will find one.


From an eharmony email that landed in my inbox.  For more information, go here... Finding Mr. Right.

May She Rest...

Izzie Boo

December 14, 2006 - February 20, 2009

After an extremely short battle with pneumonia, Izzie Boo left this earth to play fetch with her Eternal Father. Izzie was survived by her mother, Riley, her brother, Monty, and her "daddy", Skippy; as well as her human people: mother Courtney, grandparents Allyson and Ed, and aunts and uncle Chris, Paige, and Kaitlin. We will forever miss endless hours of throwing the ball for our dear beloved pet, as well as her (not so gentle) love and affection. Izzie's youthful, playful spirit will greatly be missed.

May you run your heart out in heaven.

Update...

Alright, alright. So I know many of you are dying for an update on Dennis. And I've been meaning to post one for, oh, a couple weeks now. Life is happening so fast that I haven't had a break or a chance to breath.

More on that later.

So things with Dennis were going along, smoothly too if I might add. We were back to texting and talking regularly. I did not initiate any of the phone calls might I add. I got back from the cruise, after 4 days of no communication with him, and I told him that I missed him. I really didn't expect a response of any kind, and I really didn't get one right away. The same night I got home I got a call. We chit chatted some, then he got serious and asked he we could talk serious for a few minutes, he had a couple questions to ask me. Alright... I honestly didn't know what to expect. Well, he asked/mentioned that maybe he'd come down in a month or 2. Or maybe we'd plan a trip with the kids to Florida. Because you see "the kids" really miss me. They ask about me all the time. Elijah thinks I'm still at the hotel I stayed at up there, and he wants to come see me and have waffles (continental breakfast) with me. How cute! But Dennis, do you miss me? Well, yea, of course I do; I think of you often. Music to my ears.

2 steps forward.

So I thought, let's not get my hopes up too much. Let's not look too much into it. Let's not worry, or get excited, or start planning. Let's let him take care of it all when he's ready. Yeah right! I, within a few days of trying to not plan and worry or get too excited, started tracking and watching flight prices during late March to April.

Things continued as they were. Talking and texting. But never talking again about this potential trip down here or cross country. It was starting to drive me crazy though, cause I'm a planner. I want to plan this. I want to know when to expect him, what he wants to do, what days I should take off from work, where this leaves us. Inquiring minds want to know!

So I finally broke down and asked. That conversation didn't go so well. Dennis thinks maybe he spoke hastily about coming down. He's still trying to figure things out. He thinks I should date 1,000 guys, and can't understand why I'm not taken because I'm such a amazing person. And... Let's not talk for a couple months to give him time to figure out his life and what he wants. Alright, we've tried this before, he cracks within a couple weeks. So the rule is we can only hi every so often. I told him that I'll leave those up to him. Because quite honestly my "every so often" would be every other day. That was about a week and a half ago.

Of course, just the Monday before, I had sent a package of homemade cookies to him and the kids as well as valentines. (I know, I'm too nice!)

3 steps back.

Skip forward half a week later. I sent him a text with a simple question about a specific safe topic. All I wanted, and expected, was a straight answer. Which I got, then he started to tell me about things that are going on. Alright, so he ended up calling because it would take too long to text it all. The next day I re-asked my question hoping for a different, updated answer. I got an answer, and then he started to tell me about something else that's going on. I finally had to put my foot down and tell him that I'd love to hear all about it, but I'm trying to respect his wishes of time and space to figure things out, so please help me help you. That was a week ago.

He finally picked up his package from the post office last Tuesday. After many thanks you shouldn't have, no you really shouldn't have. I got a thanks they're really good.

Since last week, we've been communicating. I don't initiate unless I have a question that needs an answer. These questions have nothing to do with us and a relationship. And he knows that we shouldn't be talking, and he'll even say, "Since we're not supposed to talk, I have a message for you to pass on to Izzie," then he'll proceed with what he wanted to talk about.

And from afar, he's been there for me the past couple days with Izzie's death. But again, I'm not initiating. I'm not prompting. I'm not expecting. I'm respecting.

1 step forward.

So what does one do? Do I need to completely cut off all communication from him? Let me tell you, that would be really hard. Do I just keep at what I'm doing? Do I never mention "us" until he starts it? Do I just be a friend? But how can I just be a friend when I have such strong feelings for him still? I just don't know. I don't want to cut off communication with him. But I'm trying to respect his needs.

But... But wouldn't you think by the fact that he is the one that can't cut it off that that means something...? Why does he not realize that?

I'm afraid of taking backward steps again. I only want to go forward.

Who needs an update?

Well, let's see. Where do I start? Where did I leave off? What do you want to know?

Status on the situation has not changed. Dennis and I are still "friends". Although, we're texting and talking a lot more often. The only difference is that the "I love you's" and pet names have been dropped from conversations, but I still sneak them in when I can. Ha! He doesn't seem to mind.

The Christmas season is over, as is the couple of visits from higher-ups from work for Dennis. Just as I predicted, he was very stressed and overwhelmed with all that going on. Since it's over, he's gotten better. But he's still unsure of where he should be right now. He doesn't know if he's even meant to be married again. He doesn't know who he is anymore. He pointed out a week or so ago that he has been officially divorced for almost a whole year, and things are starting to calm down for him.

We have had conversations about the future. If there will be one or not. He doesn't know. Oh, but I do, I know what's in my heart and that I'm still being lead by God. He did tell me though that part of him wants to be in a relationship with me right now, but he needs to work on himself in order to be in a healthy one. I respect that, how can I not respect that. And I value that he wants to be right with God and happy with himself. So I'll wait, and I'll be there when he's ready. We've talked about many other things also, but I'll keep those to myself for now.

So, where does that leave us? Worse than we were a month ago, but better then we were 2 weeks ago. All we can do is continue the friendship, and continue praying. I pray that God does a mighty thing in his life, and that he does it fairly quickly. But during this time I've grown by leaps and bounds, more then I thought possible.

In my heart I still feel the same leading as I did shortly after we started talking. Everything just starting lining up. It's hard to explain, but things just started falling into place. My feelings for Dennis have not diminished in the least bit, if anything they've grown despite the distance between us. I've had a lot of time to reflect and pray.

If you feel so, please continue to pray also.

For the 2nd Morning...

I'm trying I've been strong. I decided that as much as it kills me, which it won't, I'm going to let Dennis take the lead with texting and calling… Until I figure what his pattern is at least.

Yesterday I got a "Thought I would say hi.", text in the morning. Good, good; he obviously thought about me. Or has been thinking about me. I told him "Good Morning-ed" him too and told him that I had a question and asked if he had a minute to answer it, meaning by text. But I got a phone call. Gosh it was good to hear his voice. I basically wanted to know if there were any "ground rules". You know, will we talk often or only as acquaintances every now and then. He told me no, and sounded slightly offended like I would doubt his intentions of what a friendship entails. Ok, so that gave me a little relief.

Yesterday evening I also received a text to let me know that his boss arrived in town a day early, so he was on his way to pick her up from the airport. And the other boss will arrive Sunday, two days later than planned. So I know that he'll be busy until next week, and that maybe I shouldn't keep my hopes up that we'll be in any contact. He said that he'll pretty much be working 24 hours a day for the next 4 days. Pray for his sanity and that he can get some rest during this stressful time.

Today I got a "Morning. I have some questions for you..." Questions that I won't share because they were personal, so I'll spare you. So he's thinking about things. Thinking about me, and us, and our history, and the future. So I answered them, and he thanked me for answering them. We texted a bit back and forth. I tried not to be too inquisitive, I don't want to force him to text me. I want him to want him to text or call me. He let me know that he was working late tonight, until 11pm (which would be midnight for me). So I'm not expecting a call, or a text. But maybe when I least expect it he'll surprise me. But I don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm not going to sit and wait.

I'm just trying to go with the flow and let him do the contacting. I'm letting him work things out for himself, and work things out with God, and work on figuring out his life. That's all that I can do for now. Sit back, wait, and pray.

But, there is still a small hope in my heart that he'll decide he needs a break for Alaska and he'll surprise me by coming down when he was originally planning. Again, don't want to get my hopes up and set myself up for failure and more heartache.

Oh yea...

And it is 4 months ago today that Dennis first contacted me. I always considered it our "anniversary". I know, can you believe that it's only been 4 months. It feels like forever, in a good way.

Gotta love the timing of that!

Update...

I'll start with this, the conversation went better than I was expecting. But being as I really didn't know what to expect from it, it went ... well. It was decided that our status would drop from "relationship" to "friendship" and build on that, slowly. Dennis has a lot going on in his life, and he wants to get a grasp on it. Focusing primarily on getting back in step with God and what He has planned for his life. He is also dealing with a lot of guilt from the divorce and how it is affecting his children.

So, what does this all mean? I really don't know. We'll still talk, just not as often I suppose. We'll still text, but not as frequently throughout the day. Pet names will have to be dropped as well and the "I love yous" and "Muahs" (our way of sending each other a kiss). That part is going to be the hardest because my feelings for him are still there. But for him, I have to be strong and try to maintain a drawn boundary line.

I asked him on the phone last night if he felt any direction from God one way or another regarding us; he said no, which is part of the problem. He doesn't want to start a relationship and then bring God into it; he wants God to be the one to start the relationship and remain the center. I agree. Things for us did move fast, talk of the future happened early on before really getting to know one another on a deeper level. So it's more like we're starting fresh and not so intense.

So that's where we are. Please continue to pray. I know stress levels are high with the holiday season, and he's just in a season of his life feeling lost and without God.

One thing he did tell me was that he doesn't even know if God has it in His plan for him to ever remarry. And if he is called to, that it won't be for a couple years. I kinda had to remind him that that's what we talked about all along. Even when he explained himself to my parents he said that he's on a 12 year plan, really meaning 2 years. But I wasn't expecting a proposal in 2 months and to be married 3 months later. Obviously with our relationship being long distance we would need to have not only quality time on the phone growing, but also quality and quantity time face to face. And that comes with time.

So what does the future hold? I don't know. I don't know how long Dennis will take in his pursuit of getting right with God and dealing with what he has going on. I don't know if having a relationship together is in God's plan. I do know that I've never had any doubts, but have only seen confirmation from Him. But Dennis needs to realize that on his own. I'm willing to wait though if it's in God's plan. I accept his past, flaws (even though I don't see them as flaws) and all. After talking to my mom last night, both she and my dad accept him and his past as well. They see how happy he makes me, and that's all they want for their children...happiness.

So again, please continue to pray. Pray for me to be able to honor Dennis' wishes to build on a friendship without my feelings getting in the way. Pray that I can honor his request to have time for himself to really focus on his calling and God's will in his life. Pray that God is quick about this! Seriously! Is that selfish of me? Pray that God will be the center of our "...ship", which ever it is and will be. Pray that Dennis can release the guilt he holds onto. Pray that he'll be able to have a conversation about helping him with the kids and allowing him to have time to himself when he's not working sometimes. Pray that God strengthens our hearts and prepares us for what is to come.

Pleease continue to pray.

Calling All Prayer Warriors

I need prayer. Dennis needs prayer. Together as a couple we need prayer.

Last night things started to come to a head. Dennis is overwhelmed in many areas of his life, which is causing him to pull back and distance himself from the relationship and from me. He feels as though he has no time for himself or for God, which is true. And I hate to admit, but I may be partly to blame for that. When he isn't at work, he has his kids, and when he doesn't have his kids his roommate is home. Therefore no privacy, no quiet time, no alone time. And of course, I want to talk to him every free second he has. There is a list of things that he is stressed and overwhelmed about. He also feels a heavy burden because of his past, being divorced with children, which I accept. His past has made him who he is today, and if I didn't accept it I wouldn't have gotten as involved as I have.

Things started last night that he doesn't know if we are working out or if we are going to work out. But of course he couldn't talk due to no privacy, so text messaging back and forth followed.

Last night I couldn't sleep. But everytime I woke up I went straight to God. I woke up, if you can call it that from not sleeping all night, with knots in my stomach. I almost called in sick, but I didn't. I told him in a text last night that I wouldn't text him unless I heard from him first. After sitting at work for over an hour, not texting him was killing me. We always start our morning off with at least a text and eventually a phone call. So I broke, I texted him. I told him that it's too hard not to text him. So a good morning, I hardly slept, I have knots in my stomach, I prayed all night, and that I love him. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd get a response, but I did. He's busy at work with big-wigs coming to visit this week, thanks for my words, he's overwhelmed with the kids and all and his parents' health isn't the best. He's going through a tough time.

Please pray that during this time in God's fire, that Dennis will be able to find clarity and peace. Pray that it's just the stress from the hustle and bustle of the holiday season working retail causing a majority of his overwhelmed feeling. Pray that his ex will give him a break with the kids and give him some time off. Pray that he will get rest, not only physically, but also rest in the Lord. Pray that he will still want to come down and visit in a couple weeks.

Pray for my heart, pray that it will be strong and supportive. Pray that I can give him the space that he needs. Pray that we will get through this and that it will make us stronger as a couple. Pray that Satan will not play on my insecurities, causing me to freak out and worry.

Pray for God's will in our lives individually but also together. Pray that our desires for each other will line up with his will. I want Dennis in my life, as a part of my life, but I also want God's will. And honestly I don't know what I'll do if they don't line up.

Pray that this is just a hiccup in our relationship and that we survive. That this will makes us stronger and communicate better.

Lord, these are my prayers. Heavenly Father let your will be done now and forever.

1/4 of a Year

3 months ago I received a very random myspace message from a stranger. A message that I almost ignored, blew off. But for some reason I was compelled to respond. Or course, only after checking out that person's page. Who knew that 3 months later I'd still be talking to that person? That that person would have visited me. And that I would be going to visit that person in less than 2 weeks.

Here is the message that started it all...
Hi Courtney

No, you don't know me, but I saw your caption and love that quote. Anyhow, hope I didn't bug you. You are attractive too. Yes, that did make it easy to read your caption a few times as well. lol. Anyhow, at the very least I hope I made you smile. Maybe we can talk sometime. Bye girly

Dennis

So there you have it. Needless to say we did "talk sometime". The start to a relationship, albeit a long distant one. One based purely on communication and learning about one another without physical distractions.

The past 3 months have surprisingly gone by quickly looking back on it now. Wow, August was just 3 months ago. May was 6 months ago, and will be again in 6 months. I know that this upcoming trip to Alaska won't be the last. With a new year approaching there will be many more trips, and visits, and even a vacation is in discussion.

This is my prayer... That God will continue to be a focus in our relationship, that we will grow towards Him while we grow towards one another. I pray that God will bless the time we have together. I pray that when we do visit one another that we can see each other for who we are, not just the person on the phone; I pray that our visits aren't necessarily like vacations. Maybe it's too soon, but I also thank God for answered prayer; even though it took awhile to answer. I thank God for his faithfulness and His plan.

Flowers

Remember how I told you that Dennis got me flowers the night before he left. He was a brave guy and ventured out on his own to the grocery store. And this was a big thing being as he doesn't have a very good sense of direction. I was worried. I admit it. But I had total faith.

That is until he phone wasn't getting service and he had been gone for 30 minutes. But he got home just before I called 911.

So here are the flowers.
Oh and the cards. The cards that made me tear up. Ok, fine, I more than just teared up. I cried. Like a baby.

He's such a romantic!

I hate goodbyes

Today was the day that I've been dreading for the past 5 days. Today was the day that I had to take Dennis to the airport and drive away from him as he got ready to get on a plane to go back to Alaska. Today was the day that I cried just about the whole way home. The kind of cry that I haven't had in years. Today was the day, that when I returned to my parent's house my mom welcomed me with a hug and cried with me.

I took a 2 hour nap. My eyes look like a bee stung them and my nose is rubbed raw.

It wasn't a goodbye forever. Only a goodbye for a month or so.

But a goodbye, none the less, that makes my heart ache.

I'll post more either later tonight or tomorrow on how our time together went.

But for now I'm going to go put ice packs on my eyes to reduce the swelling...