Filled with Worry

About a week ago last year, I lost my dear, sweet Izzie.  It was a sad time.  Losing a pet is hard.  Dare I say it can be just as hard as losing a person.

Then Riley starting having seizures.  We gained control of them, then lost it.  Gained it back, the lost it even more.  We're finally at a place, with 2 different meds, that we've gained control again.  Oh happy day.  Now she just needs to lose a few pounds.  As does her mom... x10

So I'm sure you can understand my concern when I got a call that Riley was acting weird, out of the ordinary, not normal.  Like the dog didn't even react when you tease her about going on a walk or getting a treat, which she normally gets uber excited about.  But no, she's slow, unmotivated, not eating (dog food or treats), tired, and wanders to random places within the house and yard.  My thought, she ate something from the trash that the dogs tipped over at my parent's house yesterday while we were all at dinner celebrating Kaitlin's birthday.  Can a dog get food poisoning?  Her tummy is a little bloated, and she has flu like symptoms.  

So I called the vet, explained her symptoms, and asked if they thought I should bring her in (mind you it was 7:20pm).  They said that emergency hours now start at 7:40pm (random time) and just walking in the door will cost $150 (I live a good 15-20 minutes from the vet, so I'd likely be paying $150+).  They said just to keep an eye on her over night and if she doesn't start perking up to bring her in in the morning, they open at the ungodly hour of 7am.

If you think about it and have compassion towards family member pets, please put Riley in your prayers.

Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go cuddle with my dog and make sure she's ok...

For the 2nd Morning...

I'm trying I've been strong. I decided that as much as it kills me, which it won't, I'm going to let Dennis take the lead with texting and calling… Until I figure what his pattern is at least.

Yesterday I got a "Thought I would say hi.", text in the morning. Good, good; he obviously thought about me. Or has been thinking about me. I told him "Good Morning-ed" him too and told him that I had a question and asked if he had a minute to answer it, meaning by text. But I got a phone call. Gosh it was good to hear his voice. I basically wanted to know if there were any "ground rules". You know, will we talk often or only as acquaintances every now and then. He told me no, and sounded slightly offended like I would doubt his intentions of what a friendship entails. Ok, so that gave me a little relief.

Yesterday evening I also received a text to let me know that his boss arrived in town a day early, so he was on his way to pick her up from the airport. And the other boss will arrive Sunday, two days later than planned. So I know that he'll be busy until next week, and that maybe I shouldn't keep my hopes up that we'll be in any contact. He said that he'll pretty much be working 24 hours a day for the next 4 days. Pray for his sanity and that he can get some rest during this stressful time.

Today I got a "Morning. I have some questions for you..." Questions that I won't share because they were personal, so I'll spare you. So he's thinking about things. Thinking about me, and us, and our history, and the future. So I answered them, and he thanked me for answering them. We texted a bit back and forth. I tried not to be too inquisitive, I don't want to force him to text me. I want him to want him to text or call me. He let me know that he was working late tonight, until 11pm (which would be midnight for me). So I'm not expecting a call, or a text. But maybe when I least expect it he'll surprise me. But I don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm not going to sit and wait.

I'm just trying to go with the flow and let him do the contacting. I'm letting him work things out for himself, and work things out with God, and work on figuring out his life. That's all that I can do for now. Sit back, wait, and pray.

But, there is still a small hope in my heart that he'll decide he needs a break for Alaska and he'll surprise me by coming down when he was originally planning. Again, don't want to get my hopes up and set myself up for failure and more heartache.

Update...

I'll start with this, the conversation went better than I was expecting. But being as I really didn't know what to expect from it, it went ... well. It was decided that our status would drop from "relationship" to "friendship" and build on that, slowly. Dennis has a lot going on in his life, and he wants to get a grasp on it. Focusing primarily on getting back in step with God and what He has planned for his life. He is also dealing with a lot of guilt from the divorce and how it is affecting his children.

So, what does this all mean? I really don't know. We'll still talk, just not as often I suppose. We'll still text, but not as frequently throughout the day. Pet names will have to be dropped as well and the "I love yous" and "Muahs" (our way of sending each other a kiss). That part is going to be the hardest because my feelings for him are still there. But for him, I have to be strong and try to maintain a drawn boundary line.

I asked him on the phone last night if he felt any direction from God one way or another regarding us; he said no, which is part of the problem. He doesn't want to start a relationship and then bring God into it; he wants God to be the one to start the relationship and remain the center. I agree. Things for us did move fast, talk of the future happened early on before really getting to know one another on a deeper level. So it's more like we're starting fresh and not so intense.

So that's where we are. Please continue to pray. I know stress levels are high with the holiday season, and he's just in a season of his life feeling lost and without God.

One thing he did tell me was that he doesn't even know if God has it in His plan for him to ever remarry. And if he is called to, that it won't be for a couple years. I kinda had to remind him that that's what we talked about all along. Even when he explained himself to my parents he said that he's on a 12 year plan, really meaning 2 years. But I wasn't expecting a proposal in 2 months and to be married 3 months later. Obviously with our relationship being long distance we would need to have not only quality time on the phone growing, but also quality and quantity time face to face. And that comes with time.

So what does the future hold? I don't know. I don't know how long Dennis will take in his pursuit of getting right with God and dealing with what he has going on. I don't know if having a relationship together is in God's plan. I do know that I've never had any doubts, but have only seen confirmation from Him. But Dennis needs to realize that on his own. I'm willing to wait though if it's in God's plan. I accept his past, flaws (even though I don't see them as flaws) and all. After talking to my mom last night, both she and my dad accept him and his past as well. They see how happy he makes me, and that's all they want for their children...happiness.

So again, please continue to pray. Pray for me to be able to honor Dennis' wishes to build on a friendship without my feelings getting in the way. Pray that I can honor his request to have time for himself to really focus on his calling and God's will in his life. Pray that God is quick about this! Seriously! Is that selfish of me? Pray that God will be the center of our "...ship", which ever it is and will be. Pray that Dennis can release the guilt he holds onto. Pray that he'll be able to have a conversation about helping him with the kids and allowing him to have time to himself when he's not working sometimes. Pray that God strengthens our hearts and prepares us for what is to come.

Pleease continue to pray.

Calling All Prayer Warriors

I need prayer. Dennis needs prayer. Together as a couple we need prayer.

Last night things started to come to a head. Dennis is overwhelmed in many areas of his life, which is causing him to pull back and distance himself from the relationship and from me. He feels as though he has no time for himself or for God, which is true. And I hate to admit, but I may be partly to blame for that. When he isn't at work, he has his kids, and when he doesn't have his kids his roommate is home. Therefore no privacy, no quiet time, no alone time. And of course, I want to talk to him every free second he has. There is a list of things that he is stressed and overwhelmed about. He also feels a heavy burden because of his past, being divorced with children, which I accept. His past has made him who he is today, and if I didn't accept it I wouldn't have gotten as involved as I have.

Things started last night that he doesn't know if we are working out or if we are going to work out. But of course he couldn't talk due to no privacy, so text messaging back and forth followed.

Last night I couldn't sleep. But everytime I woke up I went straight to God. I woke up, if you can call it that from not sleeping all night, with knots in my stomach. I almost called in sick, but I didn't. I told him in a text last night that I wouldn't text him unless I heard from him first. After sitting at work for over an hour, not texting him was killing me. We always start our morning off with at least a text and eventually a phone call. So I broke, I texted him. I told him that it's too hard not to text him. So a good morning, I hardly slept, I have knots in my stomach, I prayed all night, and that I love him. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd get a response, but I did. He's busy at work with big-wigs coming to visit this week, thanks for my words, he's overwhelmed with the kids and all and his parents' health isn't the best. He's going through a tough time.

Please pray that during this time in God's fire, that Dennis will be able to find clarity and peace. Pray that it's just the stress from the hustle and bustle of the holiday season working retail causing a majority of his overwhelmed feeling. Pray that his ex will give him a break with the kids and give him some time off. Pray that he will get rest, not only physically, but also rest in the Lord. Pray that he will still want to come down and visit in a couple weeks.

Pray for my heart, pray that it will be strong and supportive. Pray that I can give him the space that he needs. Pray that we will get through this and that it will make us stronger as a couple. Pray that Satan will not play on my insecurities, causing me to freak out and worry.

Pray for God's will in our lives individually but also together. Pray that our desires for each other will line up with his will. I want Dennis in my life, as a part of my life, but I also want God's will. And honestly I don't know what I'll do if they don't line up.

Pray that this is just a hiccup in our relationship and that we survive. That this will makes us stronger and communicate better.

Lord, these are my prayers. Heavenly Father let your will be done now and forever.