Thursday, February 22, 2007

Odd with own feelings...

Have you ever just felt not so right in your own skin? You don't know how you feel really? Just not right. Yea, well, that's how I'm feeling right now. And I don't know why which really irritates me. I'm not happy where I'm working. I'm not where I am in life that I thought I would have been. I feel slightly uncomfortable around some friends. I feel like I just can't do anything right no matter how hard I try. Let me tell you why I am feeling the way I'm feeling, maybe...

-I hate my job. There aren't many things in life that I hate, strongly dislike maybe. Hate is a very strong word that I (haha) hate to use. But I can truly say that I hate my job and everything about it. There have been many times, too many to count, where I almost grabbed my stuff and walked out. That's how miserable I am. I am currently in the interview process with a local City for their Events Coordinator. It is a step in the right direction towards my dream job/career. I like parties and I like planning, so why not combine the two and it a career. I'm not a very patient person and the waiting process for this job is definitely testing my patience. I keep telling my self and other, "If it's in God's plan for my life then so be it. I'm trying to live the life God has planned for me." And I do mean it, but part of me doesn't. I want things my way and I want them that way now. I'm human, it's human nature. But this position would be a huge answer to many prayers. And I truly pray that this is in God's will for me. The sooner I can get out of my current work situation the better. (If you know of anyone that is hiring in the Modesto/Turlock area, please pass the information on to me. Please keep me in mind if you hear of anything.)

-I'm lonely for 2 reasons.
1. I long for my soul mate. I don't know what God has in store for me and my romantic future, but I sure have a desire to be married and have children. When will this all happen? I don't know. Who will it be with? I don't know. I don't know if I already know the guy or have yet to meet him. What can I do to speed up the process? Besides not sitting at home all day long, nothing. It's all up to God. It's His plan that I'm (trying) patiently waiting on. (Anyone know of any good way to meet a good Christian guy?)

2. Friends. Yes, I have friends. But here's my situation. My best friend is practically engaged. I'm happy for her. But this level of commitment with someone involves a lot of time. It's been over a month since we've hung out, gotten coffee, dinner, ice cream. I do talk to her, but it's not the same. Although, this is the friend that right now can tell I'm in a really unhappy state and is concerned for me and my well being.

My other really good friend seems to not trust me completely. Not trust like I'm gonna go spread rumors, but not trust like not telling me things regardless of what you think I'll say. Maybe I'm just a nosy person, but why as a friend would you not tell me about a coffee date. Bring it up then say I wasn't going to say anything. I feel slightly betrayed, without being betrayed.

Then all my other friends, well, they're just all being odd right now. Maybe it's not them, but it's me. Singles moving in with married couples, marrieds wanting singles to move in with them, starting new relationships with a guy, another almost engaged friend, guys that I just can't quite figure out how to be friends with, etc. What do I do? I'm so at a loss.

-Current living situation. Well, no sugar coating it, I live with my parents, in a landing (you know that little "livable" area at the top of the stairs). I'm almost 27 and I'm living with my parents. I know I'm not the only one. But why? I'm not a fan of it. Unfortunately, due to the job I hate, I don't make enough to support myself living on my own will paying off debts. So here I am. On my bed in my 3 walled landing complaining about it. What am I trying to do about it? Well, for one find a new job (see above). This way I could afford to rent, hopefully buy, new living accommodation.

- I'm sick! Yes, I have a standard cold. The second one of the year. I'm a sniffly, stuffy, tired, yellow snot mess. At least it's a cold and not the flu or a worse virus.

So what am I going to do about it all:
1. Pray
2. Seriously look AND apply for new job
3. Love on friends (I'm a lover not a fighter or confronter)
4. Soul mate...???
5. Pray
6. Save money. New job pay more. Get roommates.
7. Take throat coat and drugs and herbal junk.
8. Oh, and pray some more.

Hopefully with time this "funk" will pass. Please pray for me and my well being. Because I just don't feel well. And no, it's not "that time of the month" :)

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