A Dictionary For Women

• Aaaack (aak) interj.
  An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.
• Airhead (er*hed) n.
  What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
• Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
  A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
• Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
  To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
• Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
  You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."
• Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
  Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
• Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
  Gotta get married in a church.
• Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
  An appliance designed to eat socks.
• Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
  A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound of peanut M&Ms.
• Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
  The last two minutes of a basketball game.
• Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
  To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchasing.
• Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
  What you spend half an hour waiting, then forget to take with you to the store.
• Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
  Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
• Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
  Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
• Childbirth (child*brth) n.
  You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold you hand and say "focus...breath...push..."
• Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
  On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
• Park (park) v./n.
  Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
• Patience (pa*shens) n.
  The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers".
• Valentine's Day (val*en*timez dae) n.
  A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
• Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
  Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
• Zillion (zil*yen) n.
  The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself...anyway.