Saturday, June 28, 2008

A Dictionary For Women

  • Aaaack (aak) interj.
    An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.
  • Airhead (er*hed) n.
    What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
  • Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
    A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
  • Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
    To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
  • Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
    You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."
  • Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
    Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
  • Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
    Gotta get married in a church.
  • Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
    An appliance designed to eat socks.
  • Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
    A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound of peanut M&Ms.
  • Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
    The last two minutes of a basketball game.
  • Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
    To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchasing.
  • Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
    What you spend half an hour waiting, then forget to take with you to the store.
  • Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
    Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
  • Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
    Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
  • Childbirth (child*brth) n.
    You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold you hand and say "focus...breath...push..."
  • Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
    On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
  • Park (park) v./n.
    Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
  • Patience (pa*shens) n.
    The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers".
  • Valentine's Day (val*en*timez dae) n.
    A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
  • Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
    Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
  • Zillion (zil*yen) n.
    The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself...anyway.

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