SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLDER

• Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You keep repeating yourself.
• You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today”.
• You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.
• You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
• You keep repeating yourself.
• You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• People call at 9pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
• You have a dream about prunes.
• You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
• Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).
• You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
• If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
• You keep repeating yourself.
• You discover bifocals are stylish.
• When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
• Most women you know under 40 put you in the “Friend of my Father” class.
• Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time…
• You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
• People don’t harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
• Your social security number only has three digits.