Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What the HAY?

A dear friend of mine- one that I never see or call, but we keep in touch various other ways- e-mailed me the other day. 1) She wanted to know what the heck is going on with Kaitlin (which you can read here), and 2) What is going on with Dennis? We've had a good back and forth e-mail rambling sessions going on. One that really touched me, not only because of her friendship and her concern, but because she is seeing things the same way that I am. Hopefully she doesn't mind that I'm posting our conversation, but I'll remove any names on her side to keep her anonymous.

But this will also kinda bring you up to speed I guess...

Kamakazie: ...just being nosey, but how is everything with Dennis?

Me: I don't know what's going on with Dennis quite honestly. He's confused, which confuses me. Just when I think we're taking a step forward it's followed by 2 steps back. He tells me that he's having a hard time not being together and that he can't stop thinking about me, but yet he doesn't feel he's "ready" to commit, he doesn't feel he's figured himself out to be in a healthy relationship, and is waiting to proceed with God's blessing. It's just so stinkin' HARD! I just keep telling him to be open to what God is doing in his life and to follow his heart. Maybe he can't stop thinking about me for a reason, because his head is telling his heart not yet. You know? I don't know. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do really. I have strong feelings for him, and they aren't going to go away overnight. And after having what we've had I can't drop to friend level. All I can do is pray, lots of prayer, LOTS. So, yeah, that's where that is...

Kamakazie: Hmmmmm... guys can be such a hard read... Do you think Dennis is having such a hard time with everything because he feels guilty? Guilty about the kids- for their sake and yours? Guilty about the fact that you would CLEARLY have to move to Alaska to be with him permanently because there is no way he can leave his children? Maybe he doesn't even realize he feels guilty but that is playing into his "indecision." Also, what type of "blessing" is he looking for? I mean, I know I believe God talks to us, but it isn't necessarily in a "Hey, Dennis, you know, I want you to be with Courtney!" type of way... Is he listening into the little things? Like you said, the fact that he can't stop thinking about you, the fact that you clicked with his kids (HUGE by the way!), the fact that you are a CHRISTIAN woman who loves the LORD??? Just curious if you've asked him what type of blessing he is looking for? Does he love you? Can he see himself with you when he's old? I know, all romantic notions, but important to ask and think about I guess... Sorry, guess i'm probably not helping- probably just giving you more to think about! YiKES! sorry about that!

Me: I don't know. That's just it, I don't know what he's feeling. Maybe he's feeling guilty. His parents, whom have never met me, are even telling him that he's crazy. Here he's found this girl that he keeps telling them how much of a catch and how amazing I am, and that I'm willing to move to Alaska, and his kids and I got along. Unfortunately though, their opinions aren't swaying his vote any at this point. He has told me that if he could, he would move for me, and I told him time and time again that there is no way he could because of the kids and that I was fine with that - wherever he is is where I want to be. He wondered how he could ever let me move because of how close I am with my family. I told him that ever since moving home from college I haven't truely felt at home, like this is just a resting point before God sends me somewhere else; I don't feel the connection with Hilmar like I used to. I don't know exactly he's wanting from God. I guess just a blessing that we're meant to be and good for one another. Part of this, and I understand his fear, is that he's divorced, and he never intended to get divorced, but it happened. And he doesn't want that to happen again. He's wants his next marriage, if he gets married again, to be forever and blessed by God. Understandable. But I don't know how exactly he expects God to tell him one way or another. Confirmations that I've gotten: he fits every single characteristic that I want in a spouse; I loved Alaska (face it, not everyone does), we clicked from the beginning, I know there are others I'm drawing blanks right now... But God took every "ideal" that I had and said, "No, this is how it's going to be." Like, "Look, you laugh at finding someone on the internet, well here he is." I can't just come out and ask him what kinds of blessings he's looking for, or if he can see himself growing old with me. I think that this point it would just muddy things up for him, someone besides me would have to ask him to make him think about those things. Too bad we don't have any mutual friends that I could get to do that... But I don't want to ask him and have him think that I'm trying to force him or make him commit. Does he love me? Right now, I don't know. At one time, yes. I believe he still has feelings for me, or why would he be thinking about me all the time? But how deep are those feelings, I don't know. Trust me, I've tried to figure things out. Unfortunately the male logic, as is female, is not that easy to understand. And unfortunately, he has to figure it out for himself. He did tell me that I'm the first person he would consider to be with. Right now though, I'm having a really hard time holding onto hope and keeping faith. I fear that if I cut off contact completely to give him the time and space he needs that I'll lose him forever because he'll forget about me. But I know that that is also Satan playing on my insecurities. And that I have to be faithful and hopeful. Do I love him? Yes. Can I imagine growing old with him? I can't imagine my life without him in it. And that's so crazy being as we only knew and dated each other for 4 months. But when you know it's right, you just know. No, don't be sorry. I've thought of everything just about, but it's nice to have an outsider's perspective that isn't negative.
Thank you! Thank you for your support, and for caring, and being there.

Kamakazie: I think Dennis' fears about Divorce are understandable. However, I also think, and this is my own opinion, but I think that divorce happens a lot of times when God is NOT the center of a relationship and when one or both people in the marriage are being selfish... Is Dennis' ex- wife a christian- did they get married as christians? I know that being a Christian doesn't necessarily mean people don't get divorced- I know too many people who have- but I also know a lot of Christians who have gotten divorced due to not allowing God to take over their relationship or the other partner not having a strong belief in God (& they chose to get married to that person any way)... I think I'm rambling here... sorry about that. A healthy marriage takes GOD, committment, compromise- all the things that you are already showing him... I hope that he realizes sometime soon that God is already showing him so many blessings through you. And I will be praying that you can be patient in God's timing for things to work out... or not work out as hard as that sounds like it will be on you. You seem so happy- happier than I have "seen" you in a long time and I truly hope that all this works out in the ways that you envision it playing out... Again, rambling!

I really liked how you told Dennis that Hilmar is just a resting place for you... I never knew you felt that way, but what a way to feel! I know there are great things out there for you and that God will reveal them to you in his timing! Patience truly is the hardest thing to have- trust me I know from waiting for "Son" to come home- LONGEST 19 months of my life! But, God's timing is perfect and you'll see that in the end...

Me: Yea, I don't know the details of their marriage. But as far as I know they were both christians when they got married, I know Dennis was for sure. Was their relationship centered around God? I couldn't tell you, but I'm guessing no. I asked Dennis when I was up there how he and his ex met, he told me how and even though he didn't feel it was right they still got married. It sounds like they yelled at each other a lot during their marriage, which isn't healthy at all. And it sounds like she if not both were selfish, not selfless. He was in a different place during that time, and he knows that his heart wasn't focused on God and that his next relationship must be. And, well, she had multiple affairs during their marriage, hence the divorce. It's sad. And he recognizes that they weren't meant to be married, which probably adds to his fear and being positive that it's in God's plan. At least he was blessed with 2 beautiful, well behaved children. But yes, all relationships need to be centered around God. And all ramblings allowed! And yes, I have been the happiest that I've been in a LONG time. I love being in love, and feeling loved, and having that someone in my life, especially when it feels so right and from God. Thank you for seeing that in me too.
Yea, I feel that Hilmar is just a stopping point in my life, not where I'm to end up and stay. Patience sucks! But, I know God is testing me to trust Him and to be patient. It's still not easy though! I can't help but think though that years down the road our relationship will be strong because of what we're going through, God willing... And we'll probably even laugh about it a little.
Keep rambling. I like to hear others ramble for a change. It's refreshing, really it is!

So there you have it. That's kinda what's going on, at least that's me and my thoughts and using a friend as a sound board.

Continue to pray people.

1 comment:

Krista said...

I'm glad you were able to talk to her. She's a great listener and she has wisdom beyond her years, as do you, in my opinion. I'm sorry to hear things are still so up in the air with Dennis. From what it sounds like, he does want to be married but he definitely doesn't want to fail.

Although I don't bring it up to ask (I don't like to pry) I do wonder how things are going too. I should pray for you too! It's been hard enough to pray for myself. Sometimes I think that God just keeps saying wait, wait, wait. How long, Oh Lord, how long?! And now I'm rambling so...

I will say a prayer tonight just for you and Dennis.