- Honesty - Every heard the saying "honesty is the best policy"? When it comes to Exes, this doesn’t mean you need to tell them off or reminding them of what they did wrong, but the opposite. It’s being honest with yourself about the strange cocktail of emotions that a break-up can trigger. If you’re unresolved in any way about your Ex, these underlying feelings can become unnecessary baggage in your dating life. Make an effort to be honest with yourself.
- No Fault Policy - Whether you feel like you were a victim or a volunteer with your Ex, it’s better not to place blame. The more fixated you are on getting even, proving a point, or feeling vindicated, the less available you are to nurture warm, fuzzy feelings for someone else. By lowering your pointer finger, you’ll find that you’re now free to hold hands with someone new. (ok, that was all taken word for word, maybe because, um, guilty!)
- Clear Boundaries - When your boundaries are clear you can spend less time and energy protecting yourself. Draw lines in the sand with your Ex. Know your limits and be direct about what they are. Once you can do that you’ll be able to choose who gets under your skin and who stays at arm’s length.
- Be Quiet - Talk less. Listen more. When you converse with your Ex, be willing to hear their requests and respond without getting defensive. If you can't talk it out, you may need to use email instead. It’s easier to be clear and to avoid engaging in go-nowhere, exhausting conversations in writing. Writing (and reading) information in an email prevents you from reacting. -Don’t push their buttons. -Don’t build your case. -Don’t say things that will incite arguments. You might miss love calling if you’re in a screaming match with your Ex.
- A New Approach - Come on, if you keep playing the same old song you keep dancing the same old dance. If your interactions with your Ex keep producing the same unsatisfying outcome, for goodness sake, try a different approach. Prepare an alternative (dare we say better) way for handling your Ex.
- False Intimacy Can be Dangerous - While you don’t need to be overly guarded, sometimes part of having clear boundaries is not letting your Ex get too close to you. Yes, that means physically (virtually impossible for me, thank goodness), emotionally, spiritually and financially. No, they cannot fix your sprinkler system anymore or tuck you in when you’re sick. Too much intimacy with an Ex can be confusing to everyone. It can reignite old feelings that were better left snuffed out (I couldn't agree more!). More than anything, it distracts you from giving someone, anyone, a chance.
- Say Goodbye - Saying goodbye to an Ex might be the most obvious thing yet it’s often the least common thing people do. Don’t walk down memory lane anymore. Don’t revisit old wounds and hurts. Don’t reengage. If this person constantly reactivates bad feelings and brings out your worst self, it’s time to let them go for your sake as well as theirs. Just keep walking forward without looking back. (This is something I've had to do, I had to tell D that we couldn't be friends. As much as he was a good friend, a dear friend, I just couldn't do it. It was too hard to keep that line in the sand.)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Making Room for Love
Yes. I want to find love. I want someone to look for love and find me. But maybe past relationship are prohibiting me from moving forward to the place I need to be. I know about this, twice in the past year. It's definitely been a growing experience; not necessarily a pleasant time, but needed. So, maybe it's time I need to make room for love in my life. So, once again, let's see what I can glean from an article...