Friday, April 16, 2010

1 Month

In less than one month from today, I'll be embarking on a new...era...of my life.  Or I'll just be entering a new era, a new decade.  And you know what.  I.am.not.looking.forward.to.it.  At all!  I don't want to be 30.  I'll stay 29 forever thankyouverymuch!

I know that I've done things to be proud of thus far in my life.  But I don't feel...accomplished.  I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be in my life.  I feel kinda lost in limbo.  10 years ago, if you asked me where I'd think I'd be by the time I was 30 this is what I would have told you:  I'd be married.  I'd be a mother.  I'd be a stay at home mom unless I absolutely had to be working.  I'd be involved.  I'd be a friend to all.  I'd have dinner made every night.  I'd have traveled to Europe.  I'd be in love with my soul mate.  I'd have it all, while having nothing at all.

So let's compare that to what's actually happened...  No married, with no prospects in sight.  Not a mother, unless you consider my dog my daughter.  Definitely not a stay at home mom, absolutely have to work to survive.  Not involved.  I feel like I'm a friend to all, but all aren't necessarily a friend in return (maybe another post about that later).  Haha, does a bowl of cereal or going to my parent's count as "dinner made everynight"?  Have yet to go to Europe, but I have my passport ready on standby.  Don't know who my soul mate is to be in love with him, but I am in love with my eternal soul mate (God).  If having it all means having the list above, then I don't have it.  And I'm going to throw this in for good measure, I'm not the 36-24-36 bombshell that I though I'd be either.

See?.  There.  Do you see why I'm not ready to move into the 30's?  I don't want to feel like I'm failing more and more as I get further into life.  And yes, I do realize that some of those things are beyond my control, therefore I can't say I'm failing.  But I feel I have.  And it's a feeling I can't get rid of.

So there.  I'm turning 30.  I'm not excited.  And being as I'm not excited, I haven't jumped on the "I'll plan my own birthday party" bandwagon yet (plus, maybe because I don't want to be the one to plan it, bygolly I want to enjoy it).  But people keep asking.  So maybe this will be my party:  Show up, everyone bring me a bottle of wine, watch me drink it...all, eat cake, leave.

Maybe I'll even share some wine.

Forgive me while I go mope in a corner some more.

3 comments:

M, A and C too! said...

But Courtney, YOU ARE ACCOMPLISHED! You're accomplished in the thing that matters the absolute MOST in life- having a relationship with CHRIST and being passionate about Him! You're measuring things of this world and not things that are not of this world... You know what i see when I see you? Not someone who isn't accomplished, but someone who has a heart for Christ and others! Someone who would do anything for her friends and can throw one fantastic shindig! Someone who is beautiful inside and out and doesn't even realize it. Someone who decides she's gonna do something (like become a photographer) and DOES IT! You are someone who is amazingly dependable and honest!!!! and that, to me, shows that you are completely accomplished...

Someday my friend, someday...someone who also knows Christ will see that and will have to have you as his own! It will happen! Stay strong my friend!

Mandy

PS- Beth Moore said something at a conference last summer that I thought was amazing... She said that our body gets older, but our soul NEVER does. We will always be the same as God made us to be- no matter what age we are...Love you friend!

Treva said...

I like what Mandy had to say. Other then Patrick I am right there with ya. I absolutly HATE my job but I have to be here. I have no college education! No kids, no house, divorced, etc. I know Alisha feels this way too! Your photography is amazing too so that is a big accomplishment!

Jill said...

Don't you hate that feeling with each year that passes...like, Oh, I've accomplished xyz, but not the 432 other things I wanted. You might not feel accomplished but I'm certain you are! Plan yourself a party if no other turds are gonna pony up and do it ;)