Nobody Wants to be Lonely

I've been feeling really lonely lately. Not totally sure why. That's a lie, I do know why. Maybe because I don't feel like I have someone that I can call anytime for whatever reason, or someone who will hang out with (doing something or nothing at all), or someone that I can talk to about anything. The person that has been that to me for forever just got married and they do a lot with other couples, which I am not part of one. Plus, I don't want to be disruptive to the new marriage. Another person that was that for me decided that I apparently not worthy of being her friend. I miss that friendship. And other people are all busy with new additions to their family, new group of friends that they hang out with, etc. So, it's just me, hanging out with my sister (love her!) and my doggies (lap warmers).

I know that as I get in this "nobody likes me everybody hates me guess I'll eat some worms" phase I tend to separate and alienate myself from people. I don't call, I don't drop by, I don't e-mail, I just disappear. Sad thing is, I don't see people truly searching for me when I disappear. Wow, really gives a reality check and shows me how valued I am.

I'm lonely because I'm lonely. I want a happily ever after, actually I'm not ready for the ever after part. I want the happily. I don't need the fairy tale romance. But I do want a prince charming. I want to be with someone, a significant other if you will. I want to find my soul mate, go through all the courting and dating, and then the engagement, and then the beginning starts with the ever after. But mainly I want the companionship that comes with it. But where do I start? Here in lies the problem. I become a hermit in my disappeared state and find "him" how?

That's it. That's me whining. That's me expressing myself and how I feel.

Men!

Ok Girls... Here is a (mostly true) ranting summation of the playing field today. Anyone feel the same?

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are intimidated by us.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

So busy...

Man have I been busy. I moved offices. In my old office I was able to hop online and check my e-mail or blog regularly. Not so now. Maybe soon again though. With the move I lost 2 working days. Last week, being a short week, I worked extra to try to get caught up. And I'm almost there! Aside from work, last week was full of Thanksgiving prepping, shopping, cleaning, baking, etc. Now that the turkey is down to the bone and the stuffing is all gone, it's time get the house quickly decorated for Christmas before another big weekend comes.

Saturday is Nana's memorial service. It'll be small, about 35 family members coming from all over the western states. Everyone will end up back here at the house for social time and food. Hopefully decisions will be made about the house, my aunt and uncle will just go along with Dad's ideas and no major hold ups.

Then on the 6th I'll be flying to New York for a quick trip. Yeah! I'll report more on that when I get back.

Ok, so there was a quick update on my going ons since I haven't blogged in awhile.

Argh!

I love Kodak cameras. I don't love Kodak's call center customer service people. First off, can I say I hate out-sourcing. Why does some person in India need to try to have an American accent with their faux American name, just so when someone from America calls the 800 number they think they are talking to someone in their own country, but clearly by the bad American/Indian accent they are not? Come on corporations, why not keep the jobs in the USA, keep our own employed! So, after talking to someone a few weeks ago and being told that they would ship me the piece I need to make the camera charge (because I apparently had a bad part), I was shipped the wrong f*ing thing. I blame the language barrier. So, I called Kodak once again, pissed off this time and ready to tell them how I feel. And I did. I was stern (yeah me) and of course the poor bad-accent sap apologized profusely. He did offer to have me send it back so they can repair it. Oh heck no, I had the camera in my possession for one week, it's going to be replaced with a brand new camera. Crimeney! So, after verifying that I haven't owned the camera for more than 30 days they agreed to send me a new camera. So one person took my information down and then transferred me to the sales number. I asked the new guy (finally an American!) if I would get the new camera before Thanksgiving, which I knew was not likely, but I had to try to demand it. The only way to get it before this coming week would be, and I can't believe the guys suggested it, to return camera and reorder it. Sounds great in theory, but I got the camera at a huge discount. So not only would I be paying more for a camera that I originally bought because of the deal, I'd also be paying the overnight shipping. Um, no. So, the original camera was picked up last week to be returned and have a new one sent back. Let's see how long this takes...

A look in the mirror

Today's sermon at church was a bit convicting, eye-opening, and slightly hurtful. As a fill-in for Pastor Ken, Mike Iltis spoke about honor and respect in relationships. Many Bible verses were presented that show that even God wants us to honor those around us. But, how can I honor those around me when I, myself, don't feel worthy of honor? When I don't feel that no one holds respect towards me? Yes, I know that regardless I should always do as God commands, but it's hard. Especially when I don't feel honored.

I just am having a hard time respecting myself right now. Not because of things I'm doing, but for things that I'm not doing.

So please, if you appreciate me, respect me, honor me in any way. Please let me know in some way. I just want to know that I am worthy of honor and respect, and not feel like a bum.

Learn basic Chinese in 5 minutes...

(You MUST read them out loud)

1) That's not right ........................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ....................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ....... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ................. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ....................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone .................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ....................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ................ Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is offensive ............... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

I'm moving!

No, not what you think. The house isn't done yet. And I'm not moving out of my parent's house yet. I'm moving office locations at work. But get this, my desk is moving tomorrow, but I'm not moving until Thursday... Hummm... I get someone's old desk, my desk is going to someone else, and I get to sit on the floor to do work until Thursday. Well, not really. My computer will be moved Thursday with me. So, tomorrow I'll be using my officemate's computer while she's in Texas. I do have a feeling that it'll be a short day. And Thusday, I can't be near where I'm moving to between 8am-1pm. So I'll be not only deskless, but officeless; therefore homeless at work. I'm thinking of coming in a little late. Going to get a coffee. Making myself disappear until I can "move in". Oh the joys of departments swapping buildings...

A Lesson In Political Science

In honor of my place of employment, and because cows and milk keep me employeed. Well, and because it's just funny!

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

Wow!

I'm in the midst of reading a book. Yea, I know, I'm trying to get back in the habit of taking time to read and not goof off on the internet. The book I'm currently reading is called Alphabet Weekends by Elizabeth Noble. I read this section and thought, wow, this is exactly how I'm feeling. So I thought I'd share it. It's part of a conversation being held between Natalie and her dad...

"I feel like a failure, Dad. No one wants me."
Nicholas's chest hurt. "That's not true, my love."
"I know what you're going to say, Dad, because you've said it before. It's his loss, he's the fool, I'm beautiful and lovely, and some lucky guy out there is waiting to make me happy. I've heard it before. I believed it before. I just don't believe it any more."

Yep, that's me in a nut shell. Except there is no "his loss, he's the fool."

I want a happy ending. I want the "some lucky guy out there". I want to be romanced and loved. I want to be a wife and a mother. Sure, tell me I'm still young, there's plenty of time. I say phewy on you. No one has shown interest in me in years. I haven't been on a date in years. I haven't been kissed or kissed a guy in years.

Is it bad for me to want that?

A blogger after my own heart!

I stumbled upon a blog that is all on to-do lists. If you know me, you know that I like lists. To-do, to pack, to download, to read, places to go, people you've kissed, etc. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. This blogger even scans and uploads her handwritten lists into her blog. She even wrote a book about it! Hum, maybe I'll give you a sample of my lists sometimes. Check out to-do list: from buying milk to finding a soul mate, what our what our lists reveal about us to visit an OCD habit.

Here's to all the other todolistologists out there!

Words to Live By: Pride

pride, noun
1. inordinate self-esteem.
2. ostentatious display.
3. pleasure in one's accomplishments.
4. Biblical: being puffed up with self.
5. Personal: the ungodly version of self-confidence.

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
-1 Peter 5:5

Pride and grace dwelt never in one place.
-James Kelly

The Greek word for pride means to be "puffed up"; in other words, pride makes people think themselves large when there actually isn't anything there. Image a frog that is able to bloat himself to more than twice his size; he looks big, but there isn't anything to his increased size but air. The negative version of pride is what results when someone thinks more highly of himself than he ought. He is confident, but only in his own strength. He thinks himself superior, but without really having cause. This kind of pride leads to a fall, to sin, and to destruction.

This kind of pride is what moved Lucifer to exalt himself against God and lead the angels to rebel. It moved Adam and Eve to aspire to be gods themselves rather than honor the God who made them. It made Nimrod build Babel, Pharaoh persecute the Jews of Egypt, and even some of Jesus' disciples. This kind of pride is a lie, a deception. Proud people are easily hurt, easily offended, and easily angered; proud people can't invest themselves in what they are made to be because they are always concerned with how they appear and whether they are honored in the eyes of others.

Worst of all, false pride keeps people from living in the good kind of pride. Surprise, there is a good kind of pride, and it is quite clear in Scripture. The New Testament uses the word pride in a positive manner more than half a dozen times; God tells believers that they should test their actions so they can take pride in themselves. The good kind of pride is what the false kind drives out. Good pride is a kind of confidence, a sense of accomplishment and completion; it is both an attitude and a way of living that draws from a good history in God. It is what the godly feel when they look at their lives, see the hand of God active in their affairs, and know they are fulfilling the will of God. Righteous pride is a confidence in God and his promises; righteous pride is knowing who you are in God; righteous pride is a sense of well-being that comes from godly achievement. False pride is assuming a spirituality that isn't really there; false pride draws arrogantly from things, images, and fantasies.

Take stock of your own life for a moment. How has false pride puffed you up or distorted your view of yourself? Then again, where have you been resisting a godly form of pride in the assumption that it is unrighteous? Repent of the false, welcome the good, and let the confident humility of righteous pride invade your life.

I don't feel that I am a proud arrogant person. But I do have a problem with stubborn pride. I have a problem with knowing when to put my proud self aside and give my problems to God. I want to keep them and deal with them or take care of them myself. I end up letting them harden my heart instead of soften it. Why? I don't know. I'm stubborn. I don't know when to call mercy, to say uncle. But am I a confident proud person? No, I don't think so, I think quite the opposite, not very confident at all. But how do I relinquish my problems and not hold on to them? How do I release things and give God control?

I've become more aware of my proud, stubborn, hording problem lately. God has really been revealing things to me that I need to work on. Pride, forgiveness, grace and mercy. But I don't know how.

God, I want to be proud of you, proud of your people, and proud of my history in your ways. I don't want to artificially puff myself up and miss your grace. Help me, God, and give me the right kind of confidence in you.
-Amen

Drat!

Another 7-10 days shipping for Kodak to send me a new USB adapter. Dang! Brand new camera and no power to take play with it let alone take pictures. Hopefully it's all settled before I go to New York.

Click Click

I got a new camera. It won't charge. I'm sad. I can't play with it yet. Now I'm waiting to hear from Kodak.

The end.

Friend

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you HAVE an argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

What kind of friend am I? What kind of friend are you?

Finally!

Today, I took the anticipated trip to IKEA. Swedish for heaven. And guess what...I bought my couch and arm chair. My living room is slowing coming together. I know what you're thinking, why in the world are you buying couches now if you don't have a living room to put them in now? Well, because I can. And because I don't want to be stuck without couches when I do get to move into the house. Plus, unbeknown to me, IKEA is having a promo...get 20% back in a gift card on any couch that you purchase. Yeah me! So, someday (pray sooner rather than later) when you come to visit, you'll get to sit on one of these...

Hello quiet...

Welcome November, where weekends are free and plans are not definite. Oh yea, and the month of turkey.

Here comes the busy month of October. Who'd have thought October of all months would be busy. So my resolutions are:

November's resolutions are...

1. Focus on getting into the Word on a regular basis.

2. Work on losing weight for my own quality of life. I have to change my eating habits by eating heathly foods and being active.

3. Go somewhere.

4. Exercise - walk, Bosu ball, pilates...

5. Start major renovations on the house once it's appraised.

7. Do something BOLD or DARING! Let me know if you're daring to join me...

8. Purchase couch and entertainment unit for house, research closet storage units.

9. Not over indulge at Thanksgiving. Eat health until I feel satisfied, not stuffed.

Good bye busy...

Time to recap on October's resolutions...

1. Continute to try to actively seek God in my day to day life, worshiping Him and bring Him glory. Being like Jesus to people.
2 words, I suck...

2. No point trying to lose 35 pounds in the next 8 days for the wedding. But I can work on losing weight for my own quality of life. So it's time to change my eating habits by eating the daily recommended amount of fruits and veggies every day. Baby steps...
Well, the wedding happened. Oktoberfest happened. Gaining weight happened. Looking back on the pictures now, blah, I'm pudgy! I don't like being pudgy! And I don't want to be pudgy anymore!

3. Go somewhere at least an hour away from home! Possibly camping at the best place to camp at the end of the month.
Went no where. Had no time to go anywhere.

4. Find someone that can refinish furniture. I have a dining room set (table, chairs, and hutch) that all need to be refinished to remove scratches and stained a darker color. I'd do it myself, but there are too many curves to deal with, plus I don't have somewhere covered to do it right now.
I found a place in Turlock that refinishes furniture. Now I just need to call them and price it out.

5. Exercise - walk, Bosu ball, jump rope...
Pilates anyone? I know I need to do something cardio also though. Time to start running with the dogs.

6. Have at least one major thing completed on the house. To have all base boards sanded and walls cleaned (for now).
One room has been sanded - base boards, door frams and window frames. 4 rooms to go, at least they are small. Peeled more wall paper in the master bedroom. Just waiting for the house to be appraised (Friday 11/2) before proceeding with big things. Until then, the house needs to look like poop so it's appraised at a lower value.

7. Do something BOLD or DARING! Hummmm....I have some ideas.... Probably not the wisest or cleanest thoughts... Muahahaha...
Had thoughts, and still do. Need to make a phone call first...

8. Make it to IKEA to purchase couch and entertainment unit for house.
No free weekend to go in October, but I'm going Saturday. Yeehaw!

9. Have the best darn Oktoberfest yet!
Yea, it was pretty good...!

10. Dance my little heart out at Rylen and Jim's wedding!
I danced, I drank, and I was merry! Definitely one of the best weddings I've been to or in ever!